Dennis: You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.
Nina: As fashion editor it's my job to look good. As a Keebler elf, it's your job to make delicious little cookies.
Maya: Don't worry about it. I mean, everyone's yearbook photo is a little embarra... Oh, my God! You were a little fatty.
Maya: So, the truth finally comes out. The legendary Elliot DiMauro was once a nerd.
Elliot: No, I wasn't.
Elliot: Ha, that's very funny.
Elliot: That's not funny.
Elliot: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Would a nerd bring a supermodel to a funeral in a stretch limo with four-hundred roses shaped in a giant tear?
Maya: No, but the nerd king might.
Jack: Dennis, I see this magazine as my castle, and you are, for lack of a better word, my gargoyle.
Elliot: I can't decide which one to take to the Hamptons. Leone has perfect legs, but Trisha has perfect breasts.
Maya: What a coincidence. You're a perfect ass.
Dennis: Good morning. Hmm, tension in the air. Let me guess: Mr. Love Machine here was going yappity-wappity about getting it on with the ladies. And Mother Superior was all, "What a pig!" And you were all, "But me likie them women." And you were all, "Boo-hoo-hoo! What about our brains?"
Maya: Finch, do you want to get smacked?
Dennis: Kinda. I'm not proud of it.
Jack: People don't respect me because I'm the boss. It's getting respect that's made me the boss.
Dennis: Ah, I see.
[moves away a bottle of scotch]
Dennis: No more for you.
[Elliot has a zit on his nose]
Maya: Whoa, Krakatoa!
Elliot: It's just a little blemish.
Jack: It's like an escape hatch for your brain.
Nina: [just coming in] So sorry about your pimple, Elliot.
Elliot: How did you know?
Nina: I saw it as you got out of the cab. I mean, we're only nineteen floors up.
Elliot: I'm going to that memorial service to inform the citizens of Loserville, New Jersey that their top export is Elliot DiMauro.
Maya: Who was Mr. Farrel?
Elliot: He was my high school coach. We used to call him Farrel the Ferret.
Maya: Why did you call him that?
Elliot: You know, because he was a big man.
Maya: Why didn't you call him Farrel the Barrel?
Elliot: People weren't that clever in my town. When the train went by, everyone would clap.
Elliot: Nina, I need your help. I need a suit to wear to a memorial service.
Nina: What do you want the suit to say?
Elliot: I want it to say that I'll be sad for an hour, but on the way back, I'm having sex on a limo.
Nina: Hugo Boss, charcoal grey. It's what my tennis instructor wore to my second husband's funeral.
Jack: Maya, what's more important to a bird? That it has wings or that it has the confidence to fly?
Maya: Uh... Wings?
Jack: Wrong. Witness the penguin, a flightless bird. Do you know why penguins can't fly?
Maya: Because its wings can't support its body mass?
Jack: Maya, there was a time when penguins filled the sky, until the day their confidence was shattered, and they never flew again.
Maya: Ah, I see.
[takes away scotch bottle]
Maya: No more for you.