Jack Gallo: Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this statue?
Elliot DiMauro: It has no genitals.
Jack Gallo: It's lonely.
Dennis Finch: Of course. It has no genitals.
Dennis Finch: Did you see who's here? Me.
Maya Gallo: Finch, looking sharp!
Nina Van Horn: Somewhere in New York there's a naked Ken doll.
Jack Gallo: This guy hosted last year. He's great
Emcee: So, do we really need to sit here for three hours, or can we just give all the awards to Cosmo?
Jack Gallo: Get off the stage, you hack!
Jack Gallo: I'm just so nervous. The nominations may come at any minute.
Dennis Finch: Well, actually...
Jack Gallo: Dennis, make a call and find out where those nominations are.
Dennis Finch: Right away.
[picks up receiver]
Dennis Finch: Hello, where are those nominations? What's that? My left hand? Thank you.
Dennis Finch: Think about it. Four cover models are up for the Femmy. Three are gonna lose, and that's where I come in. D. Finch, consolation prize. I may not be gold, but I got the genitals.
Jack Gallo: I believe a toast is in order.
Dennis Finch: Allow me. I hope you all get Legionnaire's disease.
[breaks glass, leaves]
Nina Van Horn: Not his best toast.
Maya Gallo: Let me read you this first line, and you tell me if it'll wake up this room full of phonies. "Ladies and gentlemen, we should be ashamed of ourselves." What do you think?
Nina Van Horn: I think you need to have some sex.
Nina Van Horn: I know what you're thinking. I've lost eleven years in a row, and my hair looks great today. Well, I've got a good feeling about this year, and it's the conditioner.
Jack Gallo: What is it with everybody?
Nina Van Horn: Don't worry, Jack. You still got me.
Jack Gallo: Oh, please. There's no chance you'll win.
Nina Van Horn: Like last year when Margo Langhorn called his husband her lover. Please! If anything, he's my lover.
Emcee: And the Femmy goes to...
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, please don't let me win, please don't let me win, please don't let me win...
Emcee: Nancy Jones for Cosmo!
Elliot DiMauro: What? Oh, give me a break! This thing is fixed! I was robbed!
Dennis Finch: Do you know what I had to go through to get here, and on the off chance that I even get to talk to a woman like that? And just when the impossible is about to come true, you, the steak-stealing psycho, scare her away?
Liz: Wanna go to the coat room and see my boobs?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, all right.