I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

To Kill a Mocking Alan (1997)

Simon Greenall: Michael

Quotes 

• [ex-soldier Michael has set up a display board with plastic letters reading 'AN AFTERNOON WITH ALAN PARTRIDGE WITH SUE COOK'. But she has just pulled out of it] 

  Michael : So, uh, do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you?

  Alan Partridge : God, no!

  [realising Michael means taking her name off the board, not assassinating her] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh, I see. Er, yeah.

• Michael : If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon, right, what you wanna dee is, when you draw your weapon...

  Alan Partridge : It's great, this. I love this.

  Michael : It's nae laughing matter. When you draw your weapon, right...

  [mimes pulling out a handgun] 

  Michael : Draw your weapon, make it as smooth as you possibly can. So, draw, hold, fix and fire, and then just move and fire!

  [he moves across the hotel reception area firing his imaginary gun and Alan copies him] 

  Michael : And move and fire! And move and fire! And move and fire!

  [Lynn comes around the corner and into their imaginary line of fire] 

  Alan Partridge : Get back in the lift, Lynn!

  [Lynn runs back into the lift, Alan and Michael continue their imaginary gun battle] 

  Michael : Reload!

  Susan : MICHAEL! What do you think you're doing?

  Michael : [goes back to the job he was doing before]  I'm sorry.

  [Alan and Michael look like two children who have just been told off]