I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Bravealan (2002)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : There's Dan.

  [shouts across the car park] 

  Alan Partridge : DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN!

  [stops shouting] 

  Alan Partridge : Oh, er, uh, nah, he's not seen me. I'll get him later.

  [tries more one time] 

  Alan Partridge : DAAAN!

• Alan Partridge : Lynn, have a word with the builder because the other day his jeans were so far off his backside, you could more-or-less see his anus.

• Alan Partridge : Lynn, these are sex people!

• Karen Colman : My grandfather was in a wheelchair.

  Alan Partridge : Really? Was he born in a wheelchair? Not sure what I meant by that.

• Alan Partridge : Dan's told me all about you.

  Ceri Moody : Ooh, what did he say?

  Alan Partridge : Well, he just said he was married.

• Alan Partridge : Sonja, that was classic intercourse.

• Alan Partridge : [Dan is buying a newspaper]  The Daily Mail.

  Dan Moody : Yep.

  Alan Partridge : Arguably the best newspaper in the world.

• Sonja : It will be difficult day for me today in coffee shop. There is new stock coming, I have to cut the carrot cake.

  Alan Partridge : And they say nurses have it tough.

• [Alan and Michael are talking about dolphins, Alan has just made a dolphin noise] 

  Michael : Ah can dee a whale - "Oooooooooh!"

  Alan Partridge : No, that's a homosexual.

• Alan Partridge : It's amazing, we both like The Daily Mail, we both drive Lexi.

  Dan Moody : Plural.

  Alan Partridge : Plural. And we both drink Director's Bitter. It's like The X-Files, but a pleasant X-Files.

  Dan Moody : The Lex Files.

  Alan Partridge : God, that's good.

• Alan Partridge : [about Sonja]  She's mildly cretinous.

• Alan Partridge : Are you wearing Lynx?

  Dan Moody : [lifts his arm]  Well smelt. Voodoo.

  Alan Partridge : [lifts his arm too]  Java.

  [they shake hands] 

  Alan Partridge : Alan Partridge.

  Dan Moody : Dan Moody.

  Alan Partridge : Pleased to meet you.

  Michael : Ah wear Tommy Hilfinger.

  Alan Partridge : It's "Hilfiger".

  Michael : No, it says "Hilfinger" on the bottle.

  Alan Partridge : Did you buy it down the market?

  Michael : Aye.

  Alan Partridge : Ah, that explains it.

• Alan Partridge : Can I shake your hand again?

  Dan Moody : [take a business card out of his pocket and slips it into Alan's hand as he shakes it]  Take a card.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, you combined the card with a handshake?

  Dan Moody : Yeah.

  Alan Partridge : I used to do that but kept getting it wrong. Gave a paper cut to a man from Nestlé.

• Alan Partridge : [in the petrol station]  Chap there parked on the wrong side of the pumps. Amazing, the number of people who still think that the petrol cap to a Ford Focus is on the offside rear.

  Michael : When will they learn?

  Alan Partridge : You know what that is, Michael? It's saaaad.

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [picking something out of his plastic coffee cup]  Dead daddy longlegs. I'm still drinking it.

• Alan Partridge : [doing "Alan's deep bath" on his radio show]  Down to the final lather. Just relax. There's a foamy bit on your shoulder, let's make it more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good? Relax. Don't fall asleep and slip under, some terrible statistics about that.

• Dan Moody : [introducing Alan to his wife]  Give the man a twirl, let the dog see the rabbit.

  Alan Partridge : Ooh, yeah. But which is which? Sorry! Yeah, sorry, sorry 'bout that. Obviously, I'm, I'm the dog, I'm the dog. You're a terrific rabbit.

• Michael : I believe in reincarnation, like. I, I'd like to come back as a animal, like a, a dolphin.

  Alan Partridge : [sceptically]  Dolphins are quite intelligent, Michael.

• Dan Moody : Alan. How was your visit to the lavatory?

  Alan Partridge : [salutes]  Er, mission accomplished. Splashdown.

  Bob Fraser : Did you see Mr. Brown and his friends off to the coast?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. Actually, I should get a bravery award for that, I tell you. No, seriously, it was textbook.

• Michael : Nice Lexus.

  Dan Moody : Yes, I love Lexi.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I always have a thing I say about Lexus, it's like the, er, the

  Alan Partridge , Dan Moody : Japanese Mercedes.

  Dan Moody : Yeah, well, I hate Mercs. People who drive them are just sa-a-ad.

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  It's 1am. Calling all pigeons, there's a cat amongst you. And that cat's name is Dave Clifton, prrrrrropping up the bar at his fictional nightclub.

  Dave Clifton : Yeah, well, better being in a fictional nightclub than in a fictional bath, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, well, better than having fictional listeners, Dave. It's bad enough sitting on your own in a real nightclub, which I've seen you do, but sitting on your own in a fictional one has got to be the worth of boast worlds.

  Dave Clifton : Sorry, Alan, don't you mean the worst of both worlds?

  Alan Partridge : Er, no, no, no, I do mean the worth of boast worlds, i.e. in a world of boasters, not the biscuits, but people who boast, like you, their worth is worth... you know.

• Alan Partridge : Since owning a Lexus, it's amazing the number of Lexi you see around. 'Cause that's the plural.

• Alan Partridge : Can I be very rude?

  [points at the TV, which is playing Dan's sex video] 

  Alan Partridge : Not like that.

  Dan Moody : Try me.

  Alan Partridge : No, no, come on, pack it in, mate. I don't want to have sex with your wife. Even though, from the promotional video I can see that I would have a, a ruddy good time.

• Alan Partridge : [playing an arcade shoot-em-up game]  King of Anglia!

• [Alan has come to Dan's house to talk to him about a kitchen. Dan puts on a video. Sounds of heavy breathing come from the TV] 

  Alan Partridge : [watching the video]  That's a good stainless steel hob. Very futuristic.

  [to Dan's wife] 

  Alan Partridge : That's you. You're naked.

  [to Dan] 

  Alan Partridge : There's you. Hello, Dan.

  [Dan smiles at Alan in a very creepy way. Alan is feeling rather uncomfortable] 

  Alan Partridge : Is that a granite work surface supporting you both? Not Corian, a man-made marble substitute?

  Dan Moody : Well, Corian is to marble and granite what MDF is to wood. I've got wood there.

  Alan Partridge : No, that's MDF. Oh, I see, you're making a joke. MDF's banned in America.

  Ceri Moody : [nods at the TV]  So's that.

  [Alan stares at the TV, not liking what he's seeing but unable to look away] 

• Dan Moody : [playfully trying to drag Alan away from Karen Colman]  Alan Partridge, I arrest you on suspicion of sucking up to a mustard magnate.

  Alan Partridge : [resisting]  You're not a copper.

  Dan Moody : Well, it's a citizen's arrest.

  Alan Partridge : Well, I'll shoot you, then. Bang.

  Dan Moody : Well, I'm wearing a bulletproof blazer!

  Alan Partridge : Well, I'll go for a head shot. Bang.

  Dan Moody : I'm the Terminator! You can't kill me!

  Alan Partridge : [fed up]  I've got your kids. I've got your kids, Dan.

  [Dan, somewhat offended, lets him go] 

• Michael : I could do you a cup of beans.

  Alan Partridge : A cup of beans?

  Michael : Have you never had a cup of beans, man? Oh, aye, aye, you're in for a treat here!

  [Alan tries to follow Michael into his house] 

  Michael : No, stay there!

  Alan Partridge : [stepping back out onto street]  Yeah, right.

  [Alan waits outside. A man walks out of the house. Then Michael returns with a mug] 

  Michael : There you go. As ordered, one cup of beans. And I've put a sausage in and all. So, it's a Michael special.

  Alan Partridge : Marvellous. Lovely. It's like, sort of, like a savoury 99.

  Michael : Aye, aye! You use the sausage for to scoop the beans oot.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, I see, yeah. Have you got a spoon?

  Michael : No.

  Alan Partridge : You haven't got a spoon?

  Michael : There's one in the bathroom, but I've no cause to use it.

• Karen Colman : I just do my bit at events like this and fund-raising for mental health charities.

  Alan Partridge : That's one charity I avoid, actually, mental heath. Don't want to get tarred with the mad brush.

  Karen Colman : I really should go and mingle now.

  Alan Partridge : [follows her as she tries to walk away]  I have mental health problems.

  Karen Colman : Oh, I'm so sorry.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah.

  Karen Colman : I should have realised. Although I did wonder when I first met you.

  Alan Partridge : I won't bore you with the details but I drove to Dundee in my bare feet after buying the rights to K9, the robot dog on casters from Doctor Who.

• Karen Colman : [talking to Sonja]  Listen, things are beginning to wind down here. I've just some friends coming for a drink at the house.

  Alan Partridge : Splendid and tremendous.

  Karen Colman : [to Alan, in a jokey way]  It's a girls-only night tonight!

  Alan Partridge : [trying to be jokey as well]  Whaaa, loads of women talking blabbering crap?

• [Alan wants to leave Dan's house] 

  Ceri Moody : A little hug?

  Alan Partridge : A quick one!

  [she hugs him] 

  Alan Partridge : Don't rub your fanny on me!