I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

A Room with an Alan (1997)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• [BBC executive Tony Hayers has told Alan that he won't give him another series of his chat show but he'll still be open to any other ideas in future, so Alan immediately seizes the opportunity to pitch ideas for programs] 

  Alan Partridge : [opening a file]  Right, OK - Shoestring, Taggart, Spender, Bergerac, Morse. What does that say to you about regional detective series?

  Tony Hayers : There's too many of them?

  Alan Partridge : That's one way of looking at it, another way of looking at it is, people like them, let's make some more of them. A detective series based in Norwich called "Swallow". Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. He's not a criminal, you know, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly.

  [Tony Hayers shakes his head] 

  Alan Partridge : Think about it. No one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. This will put Norwich on the map.

  Tony Hayers : Why would I want to do that?

  Alan Partridge : Yep, fair point. OK, right - "Alan Attack!". Like The Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach.

  Tony Hayers : No.

  Alan Partridge : "Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave".

  Tony Hayers : I don't think so.

  Alan Partridge : Pity, because they were very keen on that one. Right, now you'll like this... "Knowing M.E., Knowing You". I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform. You've got to keep the energy up, because... You don't like it? That's alright, that's OK...

  Tony Hayers : [is clearly disturbed by this idea]  No.

  Alan Partridge : "Inner-City Sumo".

  Tony Hayers : What's that?

  Alan Partridge : We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.

  Tony Hayers : [smirks]  No, no, it's a bad idea.

  Alan Partridge : Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park.

  Tony Hayers : [laughing]  No!

  Alan Partridge : If you don't do it, Sky will.

  Tony Hayers : Well, I'll live with that. Is that it?

  Alan Partridge : Well, no, no, um... "Cooking in Prison".

  Tony Hayers : [laughs]  Oh, no.

  Alan Partridge : Uh, uh... "A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons".

  Tony Hayers : What's that?

  Alan Partridge : Well, it's just a title, I mean, erm... well, no, er-er-er... Opening sequence: Me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going "Oh God!"

  Tony Hayers : [laughing]  No, I'm sorry, no! Stop!

  Alan Partridge : Erm, erm... Youth Hosteling with... Chris Eubank.

  Tony Hayers : [laughs]  No!

  [Alan desperately tries to think of something else] 

  Alan Partridge : Monkey Tennis?

• Alan Partridge : That was Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains they 'Paved paradise to put up a parking lot', a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn't quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song.

• Alan Partridge : Right, well, I'm afraid, Susan, I've got some very bad news.

  Susan : Oh?

  Alan Partridge : I'm leaving you, you cow!

  [Susan looks bemused and slightly scared. There is an awkward pause] 

  Alan Partridge : Sorry, bit of a joke there. Backfired. No, I'm basically saying I'm going to be checking out at the end of the week.

• Alan Partridge : Michael, I was just saying to Susan, bit of a job for you, unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.

  Michael : [very broad Geordie accent]  Vandals, eh, Mr. Partridge? Y'know, makes me wonder what it's all aboot.

  Alan Partridge : [confused]  Aboot?

  Michael : Aye, y'know, vandals, y'know? What is it all aboot?

  Alan Partridge : Oh, about. Sorry, sometimes it's difficult to understand the Geordie... people.

  Michael : Y'know, what ah reckon is that, if they had the'selves proper jobs, they wouldn't be up to all this, y'know, larkin' every night.

  Alan Partridge : What?

  Michael : What I'm saying is, they'll, like, if they had themselves proper jobs, y'know, for t' gan to, then they wouldn't dee it. Y'know, a lot a' them's from broken homes.

  Alan Partridge : Sorry, that was just a noise. All I got there was "broken homes". And a broken home is not an excuse for evil. You, look at you, do you, uh... go around drawing, I don't know, peephole bras on the wall?

  Michael : Aye. But it was different for me, like, cos, you know, ah was in the army when I was seventeen.

  Alan Partridge : Well, there you go. They taught you a trade. Minor repairs.

  Michael : Aye. That and killin'.

• [Alan is having lunch with Tony Hayers, a senior BBC executive] 

  Alan Partridge : [raising his wine glass]  Here's to our future relationship at the BBC.

  [Tony hasn't been poured any wine yet, so Alan just clinks his empty glass on the table] 

  Tony Hayers : You know, I don't think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan. I just think it's time for you to consider moving on to new pastures.

  Alan Partridge : Have I got a second series?

  Tony Hayers : There's so many opportunities...

  Alan Partridge : [interrupting]  Actually, let-let-let, let me rephrase that. Erm, can I... No, actually I'll just repeat the question. Have I got a second series?

  Tony Hayers : No.

  Alan Partridge : [quietly]  Thank you. That's all I wanted to know.

  Peter Linehan : [coming over to the table]  Tony!

  Tony Hayers : Oh, Peter, hello, how are you?

  Peter Linehan : Fine, fine.

  Tony Hayers : Alan, this is Peter Linehan. He's revamping our current affairs output.

  [Alan just shrugs] 

  Peter Linehan : We haven't met but I liked your chat show.

  Alan Partridge : Thank you very much.

  Peter Linehan : Has he given you another series?

  Alan Partridge : [forcing a smile]  No, he won't give me one.

  Peter Linehan : [to Tony, jokingly]  Give him another series, you swine!

  Alan Partridge : [not joking]  Yeah, give me another series, you shit.

• Tony Hayers : There is to be no second series. And I've listened to your ideas, I've listened to them all, and I haven't liked a single one.

  Alan Partridge : Tony... I've, I've just bought a house. It's like, it's got a Buck Rogers toilet. One yank, all gone.

  Tony Hayers : We don't owe you a living. You are someone who has a proven track record for making mostly bad television programs.

  Alan Partridge : That's bollocks, but carry on.

  Tony Hayers : It's not bollocks. Your programmes were appalling. The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected, they started badly, they got worse...

  Alan Partridge : [mimicking him]  They started badly, they got worse... Oh, oh, your programs, your programs...

  Tony Hayers : Now, you're making a fool of yourself.

  Alan Partridge : Whooo... whooo... who do you think you are?

  Tony Hayers : Well, unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, let's forget about all this...

  [he sticks his fork into a large block of Stilton cheese on the trolley next to him and lifts it up] 

  Alan Partridge : You want some cheese?

  Tony Hayers : No, thank you.

  Alan Partridge : [sniffing it]  It's quite nice. Mmm... smells. Do you want to want to smell it?

  Tony Hayers : No, thank you.

  Alan Partridge : Smell the cheese.

  Tony Hayers : No, I don't want to.

  Alan Partridge : Smell my cheese.

  Tony Hayers : Alan, please...

  [Alan gets up and thrusts the cheese into Tony Hayers' face] 

  Alan Partridge : Smell my cheese, you mother!

• Lynn : What if Tony Hayers sees "Cook Pass Babtridge" painted on your car?

  Alan Partridge : Don't worry, Lynn, I'll play it down.

• Alan Partridge : [in the bathroom of a house he's thinking of buying]  You know what this room says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint, which again, to me, is a bonus.

• Alan Partridge : [expanding a dining table]  Yes, it's an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake. You know, if King Arthur had an extender on his table.

  Estate Agent : Would have been a different story, really.

  Alan Partridge : Well, it wouldn't have been round.

• Alan Partridge : [speaking into a headset while driving]  Lynn, message from Alan. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Idea for film extravaganza. Plot, thus: Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. He's being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer. Erm, terrible idea. No one will watch that. I've not thought it through, Lynn. I'll call you back.

• Alan Partridge : I like those earrings. Are they gold?

  Susan : Yes, they're rose gold.

  Alan Partridge : Well, that's not really gold, is it? But, er, they're very nice. Like little tears, little wax tears dripping from your ears because they're sad. Don't cry, ears, you're on the side of a lovely head!

• [Alan is having a disturbing daydream of himself as a male stripper, dancing in front of Tony Hayers] 

  Alan Partridge : Would you like me to lap dance for you?

• Alan Partridge : OK, Lynn, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday. So, you be Tony Hayers. Hello, Tony. How are you?

  Lynn : I'm fine. How are you?

  Alan Partridge : Um... Oh, very busy. I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one.

  Lynn : Good. Would you like a second series of your chat show?

  Alan Partridge : I think he'll be a bit tougher than that, Lynn.

  Lynn : We might give you a second series.

  Alan Partridge : That's about right. OK, uh... small-talk. Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony?

  Lynn : Oh, yes please.

  Alan Partridge : Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.

  [Lynn is taken aback by this] 

  Alan Partridge : I'm being bawdy, Lynn. Enjoy it.

• [Alan is being shown around a new house] 

  Estate Agent : Living room.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, I like this. Yes. Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here, isn't there?

  Estate Agent : Could swing a tiger in here, really!

  Alan Partridge : You could, couldn't you, yes. Wouldn't want to, though. Not unless it had been stunned. Even then it's going to weigh the best part of a ton.

• Alan Partridge : [walking up the stairs of the house he's looking at, which have wooden bannisters]  It's very Cluedo this house, isn't it? Colonel Mustard in the ensuite bathroom with the lead pipe. Battered.

• Alan Partridge : I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Mind if I... have a go?

  Estate Agent : Sure. Help yourself.

  [pause] 

  Alan Partridge : Uh, have a go on the loo?

  [another short pause then the estate agent realises what Alan wants] 

  Estate Agent : Oh, sorry! Sorry. Yes.

  Alan Partridge : I prefer to go alone.

  Estate Agent : [leaving]  Sure, sure!

  Alan Partridge : [shutting the door]  Most times.

  [cut to the lounge downstairs, the estate agent and Lynn are waiting in silence for Alan. Alan then bursts in through the double doors] 

  Alan Partridge : It flushed on the first yank! I love this house.

• Waiter : Are you ready to order?

  Tony Hayers : Um, yes, I think I'll have the Fettuccine all'arrabbiata, please.

  Alan Partridge : [obviously can't pronounce the name of this dish]  And can I have the same, please. But with different-shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Sort of like a bow-tie but miniature. Sort of like an Action Man bow-tie.

  Tony Hayers : Farfalle.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, that. That with, with... Action Man bow-tie.

• [Alan runs out of the BBC restaurant after his disastrous lunch with Tony Hayers] 

  Alan Partridge : [to some people sitting outside]  What are you sitting around for? Haven't you got programs to make? No, you're all on the BBC gravy train. Wish I was.

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  Pray silence, please, for the Electric Light Orchestra.

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [showing his driving gloves]  The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase.

• Dave Clifton : Heard you laying into the criminals again there, Alan. The vandals got to your car again?

  Alan Partridge : Afraid so, third time. Scum, sub-human scum.