Marshall: Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices; it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry.
Barney: You don't bring a date to a wedding, that's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.
Barney: You know something... Stewart is my new hero. If that dude can bag a "9". I got to be able to bag like a... "16".
Ted: What's a "16"?
Barney: [points to two girls] Those two "8's" over there... yeah.
Ted: [seeing Robin in her dress] Still wow.
Robin Scherbatsky: Wow, yourself. Look who else brought it.
Ted: Oh, yeah. I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured, I don't want to get there and realize I need it and have to go all the way back to get it, so yeah, I brought it.
Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot next to Lake No-One's-Gonna-Drive-That-Far. Yes, I want a ballroom. And I want a band, and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day ever since I was, like...
Lily: A little girl?
Barney: Ted you may wanna find a new gender for yourself 'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.
Barney: Dude, the meter's running! Crap or get off the pot!
Barney: I mean, seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean, I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know, I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.
[In MacLaren's Bar, Barney is hitting on Claudia, whose fiance just broke up with her]
Barney: Claudia, isn't it weird that we should... run into each other like this? Two souls, of equal levels of attractiveness, both fitting together like two pieces of a very... attractive puzzle.
Lily: [running up to their booth and grabbing Barney's ear] Oh, Hell no!
Barney: [being dragged by ear away from Claudia] ow, ow, ow, ow!
Lily: [angrily] Claudia is getting married tomorrow. And so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles, and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out, and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait! My eyes, or my testicles?
Lily: [momentarily confused, then:] One of each!