Barney: This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant because the second half of that word is -DAIRY!
Ted: And so I licked the Liberty Bell.
Laura: How did it taste?
Ted: Like freedom... no, actually it tasted like pennies.
Laura: My God. Did you guys really do that?
Older Ted: We really did. And that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney. I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story.
Barney: Ted you keep going to the same bar, you're in a rut.
Ted: It's not a rut, its a routine, and i like it
Barney: Ted what's the first syllable in rut-tine?
Ted: [Gives up and gets in the cab]
Barney: Peace out suckers!
Guy #2: So where are you from, heaven?
Robin Scherbatsky: That's right, I'm a ghost. I died fifteen years ago, kinda like that pick-up line.
Lily Aldrin: Hey-Oh!
Barney: Now, Ted, you can either put the bags on the carousel, or you can wait and listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel.
[Ted doesn't move]
Barney: ...Ted, since the dawn of time, Man has struggled...
[Ted takes the bags and puts them on the carousel]
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Studying law. Making a responsible choice for my future. On a Friday night... Being a lawyer had better be awesome.
Ted: My friend does this thing where he goes to the airport and leaves fake luggage in order to meet women. That's all. That's all this is.
Officer McNeil: Nobody's that lame.
Ted: He is! He is that lame. Barney, tell him you're that lame!
Barney: We are international businessmen!
Ted: [to Barney] Oh, come on!
Barney: Coulda licked the Liberty Bell.
Ted: We're going to the airport.
Barney: ...Bong... Bong... Bong...
Ted: Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer at my regular bar with my regular friends in my regular *city!*
Barney: [trying to force Ted to make eye contact] Ted! Ted! Ted! You're not even looking, are you?
Ted: No I am not.
Barney: Ted! Look: our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness! Not the "sit-around-and-wait" of happiness! Now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day, *or*, you can *lick* the Liberty Bell! You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it!
Leonard - Cab Driver #2: That was beautiful, man.
Barney: Ted, get in the cab. Marshall, you too.
Marshall Eriksen: Uh, I wish I could but I think me and Lily...
Barney: I understand.
Barney: Come on!
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uhh, because he's getting laid.
Marshall Eriksen: [to Ted] Consistently.
Barney: Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be legendary. Phone-five!
Older Ted: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone-five Ted!
[in a cab]
Ted: Okay, where we going?
Barney: First we gotta pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: Okay, I'm leaving.
Barney: Esteban, doors!
[the doors lock]
Daughter: So, that girl you were talking to; that was mom?
Older Ted Mosby: Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot in an impressionist painting and when you...
Son: So that's a no?
Older Ted Mosby: Yeah, that's a no.
[Kids sigh in agitation]
Older Ted Mosby: What? Come on!
Ted: Wait, so when you said we were going to pick someone up at the airport you meant you were going to pick someone *up* at the airport?
Ted: Why can't we go to MacLaren's?
Barney: MacLaren's is boring. Let's go to the strip clubs. We're gonna meet some ladies. Phone five!
[high fives the phone]
Older Ted Mosby: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn't phone-five did you, Ted? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted.
Ted: Come on, MacLaren's is fun.
Barney: [motioning with his hand] MacLaren's is THIS much fun. But what I'm offering is the chance to have *THIS* much fun!
Ted: [also using his hands] See, you always say that, you always say it's gonna be *THIS* much fun, but it always ends up being THIS much fun. This much fun is good. It's safe.
Barney: This whole hand signal thing doesn't really work over the phone, does it?
Ted: No, it doesn't.
Barney: [talking about the liberty bell] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Guy #2: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Guy #2: Nope... I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGENDARY! Come on Ted, legendary!
Barney: Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?
Barney: I bet no one in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay, it would be, what's the word...?
Ted: Well, this is my stop.
[starts to leave]
Barney: ...Legendary! Ted, legendary!
Barney: [on the phone, sitting in a taxi] Come on! We always go to MacLarens.
Ted: [walking down the street] Yeah. Because MacLarens is fun.
Barney: MacLarens is *this* much fun
[holds his hand at shoulder height]
Barney: What I'm offering, is the chance to have *this* much fun
[holds his hand over his head]
Ted: See. You say that. You say its gonna be *this* much fun
[holds his hand above his head]
Ted: but most of the time it ends up being *this* much fun
[hold his hand below his waist]
Ted: . This much fun is good
[holds his hand in the middle]
Ted: . Its safe. Its guaranteed.
Barney: This hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?
Ted: No, it doesn't.
Older Ted Mosby: So, there was this one night; before I met your mother, when I really wanted to go to the bar.
Son: The bar. *Big* surprise.
Daughter: You sure spent a lot of time in bars.
Older Ted Mosby: Well, that's just what we did back then. Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin; we all used to hang out at this one bar called MacLaren's.