Robin: For the record, your little "lemon law" is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society.
Barney: No, wrong. Lemon law's awesome.
Barney: Lemon law! It's gonna be a thing.
[During a sword fight]
Marshall: Woe is me! I'm not married yet! My ovaries are shrinking! Ted! If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky, you're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.
Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.
Marshall: I know, this rules!
Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancee.
Ted: Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancee?
Lily: A sword fight?
Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry - is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?
Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
[Lily turns to Robin]
Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still...
[Has a sudden realization]
Lily: She's dead, isn't she?
Chinese Waitress: Never even saw the bus.
Robin: You talked about who gets the apartment, right?
Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it.
[Flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment]
Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
Ted: [Back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar] Dammit Past Ted!
Doctor: [after patching up Lily] All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?
Marshall: That's us.
Lily: [At the Chinese restaurant that was formally her apartment] OK, a toast.
[Everyone lifts their cup]
Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
[Everyone clinks glasses]
Barney: And to the lemon law!
Barney: [Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him] Self-clink.
[Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together]
Ted: Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?
Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo.
Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet; my ovaries are shrinking.
Ted: I'm eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant I still don't believe in.
Lily: I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing.
Robin: When was the last time you were there?
Lily: Three months ago
Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there.
Barney: [Robin is calling Barney on his date so he can fake an emergency and leave] Hello?
Robin: Hi there, sexy.
Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up?
Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK?
Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
Barney: [Acting upset] Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there.
Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese
[Points to the cheese on the counter]
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.
Robin: [Eating at a Futuristic themed restaurant] It's a nice place. It's good to know the future has ribs.
Kevin: In the future food will most likely be served in gel-cap form. Plus cows will probably have died out by then... or be our leaders.
Robin: [At the hospital after Lily was stabbed] Is she OK?
Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.
Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie.
[Ted, Marshall and Robin give him a look]
Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie...
Barney: [At the bar] Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie Ohhh.
Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.
Barney: [Back at the hospital] It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.