Barney: What does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again!
Robin: [makes rewind sound] A date tonight?
Robin: What are you doing here.
Ted Mosby: Oh, you know, uh, just shopping for, uh... dip. I love dip. Well, I don't love dip, I like dip. As a friend.
[trying to act casual]
Ted Mosby: [on the phone] Hello?
Robin: Hi, Ted.
Ted Mosby: Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry, you totally sounded like Amanda...
Robin: Sorry I missed your party again.
Ted Mosby: Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita!
[to Marshall and Lily]
Ted Mosby: Who am I?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: [behind Barney] Hello, Barney.
Barney: Of course...
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: You look well. Isn't it weird they invited both of us?
Barney: Who? Who invited you, no one even knows who you are!
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: I understand, you're hurt, but... you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you.
Barney: WHO IS CARLOS?
Robin: You can't turn off the way you feel.
Ted Mosby: [pantomimes turning a dial on his chest] Click. Off. Let's make out.
Ted Mosby: What, that was the off switch! And I turned it off... I mean, yes, sure, I wanna fall in love, get married, blah blah blah, but... on the other hand, you, me... the roof...
Robin: There's no off switch.
Ted Mosby: There's an off switch. And it's off.
Robin: [leaning in] No it's not.
Ted Mosby: Yes, it is.
Robin: No, it's not.
Ted Mosby: Yes. It is...
[they kiss passionatly]
Ted Mosby: ...No it's not... You were right. There's no off switch... God, I wish there was an off switch!
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, where the hell is my... oh! OK. Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923 is not a coaster! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw, not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not even going to show up. I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin?...
Marshall Eriksen: Hi. Hi, Robin.
Marshall Eriksen: All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody "wanged," everybody "chunged." Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Robin: I don't know, Ted, I mean, we barely know each other... and you're looking at me with that look, and it's like...
Ted Mosby: Like what?
Robin: Like "Let's fall in love, and get married, and have kids and drive them to soccer practice."
Ted Mosby: I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.
Ted Mosby: My friends are gonna love you. Like you. You know, as a friend...
Ted Mosby: I just gotta bump into her somewhere. Now if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter.
Lily: That's great, Ted. You'll be the most casual stalker ever.
Marshall Eriksen: So, Gatsby, what are you going to do when Robin shows up?
Ted Mosby: OK, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these "Hey, what's up?" She says "Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera ." And then I say "Well, make yourself at home" and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here," I say, like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"
Ted Mosby: [At the bar] Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, you're talking to The Kid. I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna write a 25-page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Narrator: He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good.
Lily: Hey I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. Me beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall Eriksen: [Stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted Mosby: [See Ted sitting on the couch] Guys. Boundaries.
Narrator: Okay, where was I?
Daughter: You were telling us how you met mom.
Son: In excruciating detail.
Ted Mosby: [about Robin] She wants casual... OK. I'll be casual, I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual! You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole "happily ever after" thing, but you can't do that UNLESS you play the game.
Marshall Eriksen: So you're gonna ask her out?
Ted Mosby: Yeah - NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out without asking her out...
Lily: ...Did you guys get high?
Barney: Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?
Barney: So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted Mosby: Whoa, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"
[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
[back in the present]
Barney: Thanks, bro!
Ted Mosby: Glad I could help...
Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily?
Barney: Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: I work with Carlos.
Barney: Excuse me.
[to Ted, Marshall and Lily]
Barney: Anybody know a Carlos?
[they shake their heads]
Barney: On a silver platter.
Robin: So, you threw all these parties for me?
Ted Mosby: No! Oh, you thought - no... okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so I could introduce you to, um...
[Barney shoves some random guy towards Ted]
Ted Mosby: ...this guy! I figured, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it...
Ted Mosby: Anyways, Robin, this is...
Ted Mosby: She's still talking to Carlos... I can still win this, it's not over!
Lily: Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk... Robin seems great. But let's look at the facts, you wanna get married. And right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you... but Robin ain't one of them.
Barney: What's he got that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ohhhhh, Robin! Pause tape, rewind!
Robin: [makes sound of tape being played backward] A date tonight?
Barney: I don't think I like her...
Ted: You know it's so funny I ran into you. We're having a party next Friday if you'd like to swing by, but, you know, whatever.
Robin: Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. Too bad it's not tonight.
Ted: It is, it's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, 'cause I've been saying next Friday all week. But yeah it's tonight; the party is tonight. But, you know, whatever.