Barney Stinson: [finishing his story about his ex-girlfriend Shannon] And then she told me about her life. Her and Greg dated for awhile, then split up. Here's the real kicker, Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could've been my kid. But, instead what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet, and a string of one-night stands.
[begins to cry]
Lily Aldrin: Hey, come one. I mean, just because her life went one way, and yours went another doesn't make your life any worse.
Barney Stinson: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment, changing some brat's poopy diapers, but instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7, 365!
Barney Stinson: You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy. Plus here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry, on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her!
Barney: Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Re-return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...a-yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!
Marshall: I think Barney just won game night.
Lily Aldrin: You brought the game to the bar?
Marshall: Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.
Ted Mosby: I was winning?
Older Ted Mosby: We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, even from our closest friends, that in those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up being.
Barney Stinson: We're breaking up? But what about the Peace Corps?
Shannon: Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. Greg's older. He's successful. He buys me all this cool stuff.
Barney Stinson: But I love you.
Shannon: Aw, but he has a boat.
Marshall: [Explaining the rules of Marsh-gammon] ... But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... you got to drink. Got it?
Victoria: Okay, here's the most embarrassing thing to happen to me. It involves a game of truth or dare, a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community.
Victoria: [Shot cuts to an all-black screen]
Older Ted Mosby: Kids, I know I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in Hell I'm telling you this one.
Marshall: [about the game he invented] It's called, "Marshgammon". It combines all the best features of all the best games: Candyland, I Never, Pictionary...
Robin Scherbatsky: Backgammon, obviously.
Marshall: No, backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon", and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.
Barney Stinson: [On his tape to Shannon] Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't.
Barney Stinson: Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's...
[Barney takes the tape out]
Marshall: [Telling his most embarrassing story] I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom.
[a kid comes in]
Screaming Boy: [Screaming] AGRHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Marshall stumbles out of the bathroom and lands face first in front of Lily and the kindergarteners]
Marshall: I wish I'd pulled up my pants.
Lily Aldrin: The kids still call him Funny Butt.