Stripper: I'm Amber.
Ted: Oh, I'm Ted.
Stripper: Actually, I'm Tracey.
Ted: Still Ted.
Narrator: And that kids is the true story of how I met your mother.
Narrator: Haha, I'm kidding.
Robin: Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving?
Ted: No, I have to work on Friday. You?
Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh, right, I forgot, you guys are weird. You pronounce the word "out" "ouut."
Robin: You guys are the world leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt, and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: ...Your cops are called "mounties."
Barney: So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Damn.
Lily: [while waiting to look at a pregnancy test] Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father.
Lily: [Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head] Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
Marshall: What does it say?
Lily: I'm afraid to look.
Policeman: [Yelling from outside] It's negative.
Lily: Thank God.
Lily: And hey!
[about having to do community service after being caught urinating in public]
Barney: I was unfarely punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!
Ted: [happily] You *are* evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.
Marshall: Well, I'm glad you're safe... Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store?
Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.
Robin: Have you met Ted?
Ted: I am the aforementioned Ted.
Amanda: Cool, so what do you do around here?
Ted: Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Amanda: Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do.
Ted: Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
Robin: I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually.
Robin: [Robin goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.
Barney: The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.
Marshall: [Drinks] It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.
Marshall: I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous!
Lily: Yeah, what are the rules of that game?
Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.
Ted: [together with Robin sees Barney among the volunteers at a Thanksgiving shelter dinner for the homeless] Barney!
Barney: Hi, guys!
Ted: What are you doing here?
Barney: Just the Lord's work.
Ted: But you're Satan!
Barney: Guys! Ok. Look. I don't advertise it but I volunteered here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.
Ted: Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition.
Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they "share a meal".
Lily: Oh, Barney.
Lily: I'm sorry, Native American.
Barney: Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner.
[Ted and Robin stare at him]
Barney: And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better feeling on earth?
Robin: Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with your foot.
Marshall: [about where they should raise their future children] Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
Lily: Oh, so is New York.
[Marshall's family laugh]
Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.
Judy Eriksen: Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Eriksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Eriksen family seven-layer salad.
Lily: Seven-layer salad?
[Judy hands Lily paper with recipe on it]
Lily: [Reading] Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right.
Judy Eriksen: Oh no, dear, sixteen cups.
[Places a large glass cylinder next to Lily]
Judy Eriksen: Mayo's in that cabinet.
Clerk: [When Lily is buying a pregnancy test] Happy Thanksgiving.
Lily: [Upset] Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Eriksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me.
Clerk: You know the Eriksen's?
Lily: [about why she doesn't fit in in St. Cloud] I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes.
Lily: You're gonna go play hockey?
[Mr. Eriksen tosses a basketball to Marcus]
Lily: With a basketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskIceball.
Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world.
Lily: [Thinks for a second] BaskIceball? Not Iceketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Iceketball? Just sounds weird.