Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Dr. Wilson: Of course.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.
Dr. Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
Dr. Gregory House: Nonexistent... otherwise, excellent.
Dr. Gregory House: You have an infection. I'm gonna to need a sample.
Hailey: I brought the jar.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I meant a sample of your...
Dr. Gregory House: [she holds up a jar of strawberry jelly. House is stunned] Okay, we have a neurological problem here.
Hailey: There's something wrong with my brain?
Dr. Gregory House: [trying not to laugh] Oh, yeah.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, I expect you to act like what you are: my employee, my subordinate, my bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't care what anybody says. I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.
Dr. Cameron: There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!
Dr. Gregory House: The world will never know.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [mocking House] "The body does crazy things". Well, that explains everything.
Dr. Gregory House: Chase killed that woman and Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. We have a flowchart in the lobby.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's the irony of change, they don't like other women in charge. What, you think it's something else?
Dr. Robert Chase: You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House, you slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment.
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe that's the problem. Being in charge means having say no to House. Would you hire you for that?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [looking through Anica's home] There's even books in the bathroom.
Dr. Gregory House: Well either she's very smart, or she has a severe fiber deficiency.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors, symptom of Munchausen's.
Dr. Gregory House: Or... just thinking outside the box here, she has a vagina and trouble reading.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to a suspected Munchhausens patient] This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It's important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary.
Dr. Robert Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain.
Dr. Gregory House: [enters] It does if I win.
Anica Jovanovich: You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor... somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant any more.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'd give her two months.
Dr. Gregory House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Did you get the medical records faxed over?
Dr. Gregory House: Work smart, not hard, that's my philosophy boss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll take that as a no.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You injected her against her will, just so you could be right?
Dr. Gregory House: She consented.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's mentally ill!
Dr. Gregory House: But she smells oh so sweet.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient] What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.
Dr. Gregory House: You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Hailey: For how long?
Dr. Gregory House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.
Dr. Gregory House: I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I'm that good.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth?
Anica Jovanovich: I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Do a full workup. H and P. And lab all up. LP, MRI.
[starts to leave room]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Wo wo wo!
[Foreman stops at the door]
Dr. Gregory House: Do you just, ever so sutily, ordered me to get her medical history?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Cuddy put me in charge last week, so... yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: You can *try*.
Imelda: I can try to look like Salma Hayek. That's not gonna make it happen.
Dr. Gregory House: [seductively] You may not have Salma's ass, but she doesn't have your eyes.
Imelda: Yeah, right.
[looks to House, who smiles at her]
Imelda: How soon you need it?