- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, call Col. Hogan.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: COLONEL HOGAAAAAAAAAAN!
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: No, go GET him!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sweetest set-up in the whole German army, and you wanted to be a general!
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, every man in my class has made general.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: How many of them killed in action.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Quite a few.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: How many of them shot by the Führer?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Quite a few more.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: And you couldn't be happy.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: How's it, Newkirk?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [dressed as a German soldier] Well, I have had worse fits, sir. I borrowed my mum's swimsuit once when I was four.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Nobody's perfect. How are your accents?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [gruffly] Jawohl, Colonel.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't say too much. Carter?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: [no accent whatsoever] Jaw bowl, Herr Colonel.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't say anything at all.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Two shots muffled. They've killed themselves. Come on, let's go.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [from behind a barrel] Col. Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Schultz, you're a coward! Now, you go first!
- [Klink asks Hogan for advice on avoiding marital entanglements to Burkhalter's sister]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tell ya what'cha gotta do. Give her the old soldier routine - you may be sent off to battle any minute, your life is not your own, it's not fair to the little woman... You know.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Excellent! Excellent! Wait, she knows that I am permanently stationed at Stalag 13.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Easy. Tell her you're involved in a plot against Hitler.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Shh! Shh! I'm not, I'm not. That would be sure death. Why would *I* say such a thing?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You might figure it was worth it. Have fun, Kommandant.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [hesitant against turning against Burkhalter] Did I tell you that I almost married the General's sister?
- Colonel Burmeister: [angrily] We ALL almost married the General's sister.
- Colonel Bussie: Congratulations on your narrow escape.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, I never realized, deep down, how you must love me.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Not just me, sir. All the men.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: All the men. I must live for THEM.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Would be a help, sir.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry to do this, but I gotta see Col. Klink.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: You can NOT!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [staring down the barrel of Hogan's gun] You CAN.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [reading Schultz' post] "Attention! Allied prisoners - for fun, fame, and fortune, join the illustrious Luftwaffe?"
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [coaxed into reading Göring's propaganda speech] "Former members of a second-rate air force..." You don't want to hear it.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, we do, Schultz. We'd like to hear the speech. Right, fellas?
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Sure. Let's hear the speech. Speech! Speech!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: "Why are you continuing to rot in our escape-proof prisons?" Figure of speech.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sure, sure.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Eh, "Face the fact that your side is losing the war."
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: WE'RE losing?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Somebody's losing it. That's the important point. Eh, "Why not put your training to a useful purpose? Help the Luftwaffe shape the society of the future in the skies of Europe. We offer you a chance to get in on the ground floor and become a part of the glorious history of the thousand-year Reich!"
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [having heard Göring's propaganda message from Schultz] Come on, Schultz, it's a great idea.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: It is?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, for OUR side. I'm gonna get some German officers to defect to us, send them to England, organize the German prisoners there into a fighting force. You know what it's gonna be called?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Is it important that I know?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: The Schultz Brigade!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: The Schultz Brigade... Pa-LEASE, Col. Hogan...
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, indeed, Schultz, I can see it now. You'll be a legend in your own time. The Schultz Brigade, in memory of the intrepid guard, who once...
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I hear nothing. Nothing.
- [rips down the propaganda poster and scurries away]
- Colonel Burmeister: [to Klink] You command Stalag 13, I command Stalag 10, unt Bussie commands Stalag 19. General Burkhalter commands us. Now, if all three of us denounce him to the Gestapo - uh, separately but with the same complaint - then he will be deposed and one of us will be made general in his place.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha-ha. But that's only one chance out of three.
- Colonel Bussie: What chance do you have now?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after a thought] Considerably less.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [going over the plot against Burkhalter] Eh, what complaint did we agree on?
- Colonel Bussie: He's forcing us to give him forty percent from the prisoners' food allowance.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Forty percent.
- Colonel Burmeister: Unt the Gestapo knows that he pays them only on the basis of collecting thirty percent from us. Naturally they will not tolerate dishonesty.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Naturally. I mention he was my best friend?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Burkhalter's here?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Yeah, he just came through the front gate and seized the camp. Anybody disobeying his orders, will be shot. Anybody questioning his orders, will be shot. Anybody asking the meaning of his orders, will be shot. What do you think it means?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Trouble.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Could you tell me what kind?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: As a matter of fact, I could.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Please... don't.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: You have become very social, you three.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, it's just a discussion of prison problems, General Burkhalter. We never stop trying to build better mousetraps.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: You take me for a fool, Klink? Do you not know that I have my sources of information? Vhen I see my colonels getting together for a little chat, I know what they are talking about - a plot... to replace me.
- [the three colonels talk over each other to deny this]
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Stop pretending! I only want to know one thing - who will save his skin by informing on the other two?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I believe that General Burkhalter knows that, as a man of honor, I would never inform on my fellows officers were I involved in a conspiracy; however, since I'm completely innocent and it was all the idea of Bussie and Bermeister...
- [Bussie vehemently berates Klink about it being all his idea while Bermeister denies involvement]
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Quiet! You're all under arrest in quarters. I will see that you get a fair trial immediately, after which you will be shot.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Psst. Schultz.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Halt! Who goes there?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oliver Twist.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Call me as a witness.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Why? You don't know anything about this.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right, but my mind won't be cluttered with a lot of facts.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: My informants are my own, and I personally dictated your confession so that I'm sure it is correct.