- Col. Hogan: You just don't walk into an American air force base and steal a plane. I mean, they count those things every night.
- General Burkhalter: We will take you to a channel port. A boat will be provided, you will cross to England and report you have escaped from Stalag 13.
- Col. Hogan: Who's going to accompany me?
- General Burkhalter: A Luftwaffe officer.
- Col. Hogan: Well, he'll have to know something about Stalag 13. They'll interrogate us.
- General Burkhalter: Exactly. That's why I've chosen Col. Klink.
- Col. Klink: [shocked] Me?
- Col. Hogan: General, you didn't mention anything about this being a suicide mission.
- LeBeau: What happened to the plane?
- Col. Hogan: Crashed about eight miles from Hammelburg.
- Baker: They'll put it together and study it.
- Col. Hogan: Good luck to 'em. It had a captured Messerschmitt engine and a P-51 frame.
- Sgt. Schultz: Naughty, naughty. I hear nothing. Nothing!
- General Burkhalter: Having a good time, Hogan?
- Col. Hogan: [sitting between Eva and Greta] Beautiful. They didn't promise anything like this at the induction center.
- Col. Klink: On your next trip to the kitchen... stay there. Powder your nose.
- Sgt. Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Powder my nose?
- Col. Hogan: You need the P-51 - now?
- General Burkhalter: I want you to go to England, steal one of the planes and fly it back to us.
- Col. Hogan: Is THAT all you want? You didn't have to give me a good meal just for that.
- Col. Klink: Excellent, Hogan! Excellant!
- Col. Hogan: I would have said "drop dead" on an EMPTY stomach.
- Col. Klink: The party's over, Hogan.
- Sgt. Schultz: I was just getting warmed up.
- Col. Klink: I will transfer you to a place where you can cool down. Out!
- Col. Klink: Well, Colonel Hogan, we are off to a glorious adventure.
- Col. Hogan: Don't you stand at attention when you address a superior officer?
- Col. Klink: Would you be interested in a business proposition? The war can't last forever.
- Col. Hogan: Whadda ya got in mind, a chain of Happy Hun hamburger stands?
- [last lines]
- Col. Hogan: Who're you doing dancin' with, Schultz?
- Sgt. Schultz: With the money. What else?
- Col. Hogan: One little detail I forgot to mention.
- Newkirk: It's a million dollars plus 10 cents a mile?