Eb Dawson: [reading one of Arnold the Pig's reviews] The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.
Lisa Douglas: They did?
Eb Dawson: Yes! Who is she?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor!
Eb Dawson: The Ziffels sure are excited about him. They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian, but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career!
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pre-show announcements] Now appearin' in tonight's play are Sam Drucker, Newt Kiley's police dog Columbo, and Sophia Loren. Uh, due to circumstances beyond our control, Miss Loren can't appear tonight, so, uh, her part will be played by Ralph Monroe.
[audience bursts into applause]