- Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie: [singing, trying to convince the tourist board agent they're Scottish] Roamin' in the gloamin' on the bonny banks o' Clyde Roamin' in the gloamin' wi' my lassie by my side When the sun sinks in the west That's the time that I love best When oor boots are roamin' in the glo-ho-ho-hoamin'... och hoots!
- Tourism Agent: Y'must be English tourists...
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: [to the suicidal zookeeper they just rescued] We'll be kind and considerate and help you in any way we can, but if you don't tell us what the problem is...
- Bill Oddie: [Interrupts] ... we'll chuck you back in the river!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: Listen you two!
- [Puts on a record of "Land of Hope and Glory"]
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: This is a royal cage, and it's going to be a royal occasion! SHE is going to be there, and SHE is going to expect a monster. And I deem it a great honor that we have a chance to provide one for her. And if we succeed, I'm sure that she will not forget us, when it comes to handing out the you-know-whats!
- [Record runs out]
- Graeme Garden: You'd do anything for an O.B.E., wouldn't you?
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: Yeah.
- Graeme Garden: Tim, don't move!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: What?
- Graeme Garden: Don't. Move. An. INCH!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: Aaaah! What is it?
- Graeme Garden: It's the Giant Bagpipe Spider! It's deadly! Keep absolutely still - one bite from that, and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: [nervously] What if the monster attacks us? What about self defense just in case... just in case it might attack us?
- Tourism Agent: Ah! That's a very good point, 'cause Nessie's a fearsome beastie when she's roused. But if she does attack you, just frighten her away. Mind you, it's no good shouting out "Boo!" because she's stone deaf.
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: How do we frighten her away, then?
- Tourism Agent: [Holds up sign that says "BOO!"] You show her this!
- Bill Oddie: [singing] If you bring him back alive, you let the people see he isn't all he said he was, so let him free! Oh-oh-oh! Should've seen the one that I let go! Way-hey-hey! Ooh-ooh! The one that got away! Hey!
- Tourism Agent: [after being charged with false advertising] Well, the eggs! Where did you think I'd get eggs that size?
- Bill Oddie: They're fakes!
- Tourism Agent: They're not, they're not, they're NOT! He wouldn't pay five pounds for a fake egg!
- [to Tim, who just bought an egg earlier]
- Tourism Agent: Would you?
- Graeme Garden: Oh yes he would! He only got O level biology!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: How do we recognize the monster? What does it look like?
- Tourism Agent: Dinnae ask! Dinnae you ask me that! I only saw it the once - never again! Oh-ho, never again!
- Bill Oddie: Why, what happened?
- Tourism Agent: Well, it was like this, y'see. One night... one night I went down to the water for a wee peep. And I listen, and I hear nothin'. The birds have stopped chirpin'. The wind has dropped, and an eerie hush has fallen round about the loch. I looked across the water, and there I see it rising up from the deep - a great humpity back, a monstrous head with slaverin' jaws and great mottled bleary eyes starin' doon at me!
- Bill Oddie: [whimper] I'm frightened...!
- Tourism Agent: And then I see the huge teeth on it - grindin' up a pair of wee cow that it's caught, and spatted out the bones like grape pips! There I stood, face to face, with the legendary monster of Loch Ness.
- [beat]
- Tourism Agent: Of course, I could have been mistaken!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: [daydreaming] Tim, OBE...
- Graeme Garden: You Berk!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: You're right. Timothy, OBE. That sounds better.
- Graeme Garden: Timothy, monsters do not exist!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: They do so too! I saw one on telly, yesterday, in an old film - 'The Lost World'.
- Graeme Garden: Oh, those were prehistoric monsters. They died thousands of years ago.
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: That WAS an old film!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: [In the Scottish woods] I don't like it here. I don't like it! It's spooky.
- Bill Oddie: Aw, come on, there's nothing to be frightened of here.
- [Gunshots ring out and he panics]
- Bill Oddie: WHAT'S THAT?
- Graeme Garden: [comes out of the woods] It's only me. Hey look, I bagged a brace of haggis for supper!
- Bill Oddie: Oh, the poor little...
- Graeme Garden: It's all right. They're vermin.
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: [enters the tourist board office, using his most proper British voice] Hello? I say? Is anybody there?
- Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden: Ssshhhhhh!
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: What's wrong?
- Graeme Garden: We don't want them to know we're English.
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: Why not?
- Bill Oddie: 'Cause if they know we're English, they're not gonna let us pinch their monster, are they?
- Tim Brooke-Taylor: Oh, I see.
- Graeme Garden: So just pretend we're Scottish, all right?
- Tourism Agent: Well, ye've come to the right place and at just the right time. The Monster season's just opened again.
- Graeme Garden: Oh yes?
- Tourism Agent: Uh-huh. Now, you'll be needin' your monster fishin' permit, so that'll be five pounds for the week. In advance, if ye dinnae mind.
- Tourism Agent: It'll probably start roarin' any minute now...
- [puts on a record of a droning sound]
- Tourism Agent: Oh! Oh, there it goes!
- Bill Oddie: That's a record!
- Tourism Agent: No it isn't!
- Graeme Garden: Yes it is!
- Tourism Agent: Well, even if it is, how did I record it? That's a genuine monster's roar!
- Graeme Garden: No it's not! That's a kitten slowed down!
- [Speeds up the record player and the droning sound turns into meowing]