Shared with you
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well?
- Exterminator: Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.
- Exterminator: Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.
- Rose Nylund: Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.
- [the girls have been picked up for prostitution and are in a holding cell. One of the "working girls" takes offense at something Blanche says, and Dorothy steps in to save the situation]
- Dorothy: Hey you punk... you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me but I warn you I did time in Attica.
- Hooker #3: Attica's a *men's* prison!
- Dorothy: I know. I was there a year before they found out.
- Hooker #3: [backing down] Sorry, chief. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
- Blanche: Dorothy, that was magnificent, how did you do that?
- Dorothy: I taught in the public school system. It's really not that different.
- [last lines]
- Burt Reynolds: Hello.
- [the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
- Burt Reynolds: Sophia around?
- Sophia Petrillo: Oh, hi, Burt!
- Burt Reynolds: How about a little lunch?
- Sophia Petrillo: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
- Burt Reynolds: Great.
- Blanche Devereaux: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
- Burt Reynolds: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
- [to Sophia]
- Burt Reynolds: These the roommates you told me about?
- Sophia Petrillo: Yeah.
- Burt Reynolds: Which one's the slut?
- Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Rose Nylund: I am!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're making this all up to run it in! You have NEVER... MET... THESE... PEOPLE!
- Sophia Petrillo: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. Just like you in anything backless!
- [Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
- Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
- Rose Nylund: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
- Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
- Blanche Devereaux: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
- Rose Nylund: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
- Blanche Devereaux: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you listening to this?
- Blanche Devereaux: Bits and pieces.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
- Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
- Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, we're innocent!
- Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
- Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!
- Rose Nylund: [Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!
- Sophia Petrillo: [off screen] Mind your own business!
- Rose Nylund: [Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what?
- [She nods sagely]
- Rose Nylund: I think this is Sophia.
- Blanche Devereaux: Girls. Do you see that man over there staring at me? He's undressing me with his eyes.
- Rose Nylund: Do you want to move to another table?
- Blanche Devereaux: Not yet. He's only half done.
- Blanche Devereaux: Now, Sophia! We had an understanding! Try to be reasonable.
- Sophia Petrillo: Reasonable? I come to bail you out and I still don't get to go?
- [Sophia snatches the tickets from Blanche and steps back]
- Jail Guard: Are these your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
- Sophia Petrillo: [beat] No. Never seen them before in my life!
- Dorothy Zbornak: MA!
- Sophia Petrillo: Don't you "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!
- Dorothy Zbornak: How can you do this to your own flesh and blood?
- Sophia Petrillo: You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if not...
- Sophia Petrillo: [beat] WHO CARES! I'M GONNA SEE BURT REYNOLDS!
- [Sophia has been sharing her adventures about the party, all three roommates are pissed]
- Sophia Petrillo: So, Cinderella comes back from the ball and her three ugly stepsisters are jealous.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You left us in jail!
- Sophia Petrillo: I sent the bail money after. You were all out an hour later. About the same time I was sharing an hor d'oeuvre with Dom DeLuise.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well?
- Exterminator: Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.
- Exterminator: Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.
- Rose Nylund: Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.
- Exterminator: [the girls have been screaming and jumping up and down at the news that they'll meet Burt Reynolds] I always get this reaction when I wear the tight jumpsuit.
- Rose Nylund: There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.
- Blanche Devereaux: Really?
- Rose Nylund: You won't believe who's gonna be there. Dom DeLuise.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
- Rose Nylund: Loni Anderson.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
- Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
- [Absolutely no reaction from Blanche and Dorothy. She tries again]
- Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Unimpressed] Wow. Who else?
- Rose Nylund: John Forsythe.
- Blanche Devereaux: [Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.
- Rose Nylund: [Horrified, her voice gets faster, louder and filled with terror as she speaks] I've never *been* in jail. I won't make it. They *always* prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart! From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid, and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who get bad grades in school! And then one day they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone, and when I make a run for it, he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh, *please* don't let them take me down town. I wanna live! I wanna live!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're not very good in a crisis, are you, Rose?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Officer.
- The Policeman: [Hands on hips, oozing with jaded skepticism known only by veteran detectives] Now what can I do for the senior statesman of the group?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Trying to laugh it off] I'll let that pass because you have the upper hand.
- Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia has come to bail the girls out of jail] So, who's gonna give me their ticket?
- [the girls talk amongst themselves]
- Blanche Devereaux: I won the tickets.
- Dorothy Zbornak: But MY MOTHER is the one bailing us out.
- Rose Nylund: *I LOST BUTTER QUEEN*! Haven't I suffered enough?
- Dorothy Zbornak: We'll draw straws.
- Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: NO!
- Dorothy Zbornak: We'll flip a coin.
- Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: NO!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [the girls have just been told the house has termites] What do you have to do to get rid of them?
- Exterminator: The next step is to ascertain the condition of your exterior. For this I need to perform a cursory inspection of your subterraneal substructure.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean crawl under the house.
- Exterminator: Anybody can make it sound stupid.