The Golden Girls (TV Series)
It's a Miserable Life (1986)
Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak
Photos
Quotes
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Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Look, Mr. P-feiffer, about the pfuner... about the funeral arrangements...
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Lady at Funeral : Today is a day of great sadness, not only for me, but also for the many people whose lives have been touched by the warmth and the kindness of this woman who is lying here. I wish I knew how many charities and hospitals and orphanages have benefited from her generosity. But now, no-one will ever know! Because she preferred to all of her good work anonymously. I'm sure that a lot of people never even knew that she worked for 15 years in a leper colony. Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind. She was...
Dorothy : Who?
Lady at Funeral : Celia Rubinstein.
Blanche : This funeral isn't for Celia Rubinstein. It's for Frieda Claxton!
Mr. Pfeiffer : The Rubinstein funeral is down the hall.
Lady at Funeral : Oh, I'm so sorry for the intrusion! Uh... Frieda Claxton? Wasn't she the woman who owned that old house on Richmond Street?
Rose : Yes!
[Lady turns around and kicks the casket]
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Rose Nylund : Mrs. Claxton, think about what you're doing. That beautiful, old tree is 200 years old. How can you hate a living thing?
Frieda Claxton : I hate you.
Rose Nylund : That's it! I've had all I'm gonna take from you! Now if you don't have the common decency to treat people like human beings, well then I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time kissing your fanny! Now if you don't like it Mrs. Claxton, you just sit there and shut up while we have our say! And if you don't like it, just drop dead!
[to Dorothy]
Rose Nylund : Go on, Dorothy.
[Rose returns to her seat as Freida Claxton keels over]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : What happened?
Sophia : You know when you told her to drop dead?
Rose Nylund : Yes.
Sophia : I think she did.
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Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer : Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia : [mocking Pfeiffer's name which has a non-silent P] Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface?
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Blanche Devereaux : Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda Claxton : Who are you?
Blanche Devereaux : I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda Claxton : Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche Devereaux : I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton : With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche Devereaux : You miserable old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton : Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Why, you miserable old...
Rose Nylund : [interrupting] Dorothy!
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Sophia : When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy : Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia : I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose : I knew that.
Sophia : See?
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Rose Nylund : [Referring to the empty funeral parlor for their dead neighbor Mrs. Claxton] I can't believe it. There was an announcement in the paper. Her friends must have realized she died. Why didn't they come?
Dorothy Zbornak : They were too busy celebrating.
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Frieda Claxton : Let me save everyone a lot of time here. My name is Frieda Claxton, the tree is on my property, and I could care less if the city wants to cut it down.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Look, 60 people live on that block and all of them have signed this petition to save the tree.
Frieda Claxton : Concretes cleaner! They'll get used to it.
Rose Nylund : Mrs Claxton, please.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : I also have pictures of the tree that I'd like you all to take a look at.
Frieda Claxton : You wanna look at pictures! I've got pictures, of her roommate, "The Human Slinky".
Blanche : Shut up, Claxton!
The Commissioner : Were there... uh... any other faces recognizable on those pictures?
Blanche : You shut up too, Ed!
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Freida Claxton : [to Blanche] Oh yes, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Blanche : I beg your pardon?
Freida Claxton : With my binoculars I can see right into your room. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal, I'm looking into it.
Blanche : Why you...
Dorothy : [Dorothy grabs her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton] Now Blanche. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Freida Claxton : Oh yeah. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy : Why you...
[Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]
