Kevin Kelly: Oh, no. You're not a substitute nurse too, are you?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn't have been blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.
Kevin Kelly: You know football?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know everything. Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.
Kevin Kelly: Uh, yeah, some of the guys from the team. Are you signing it?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh yeah, and we'll just change this to 'Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms.'
Kevin Kelly: Listen, if you're feeling guilty about not influencing my life, don't. People have been trying to get me to be serious for years.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: We made a deal. You promised me that I could tutor you once football season was over, and it looks like it is.
Kevin Kelly: Yeah, but this isn't exactly fair; I can't move.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, I know, I know. It'll be like teaching fish in a barrel.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't enjoy failing anybody, especially this kid, but he's lazy. In his book report on 'A Tale of Two Cities' he said he liked them both, but he really prefers Minneapolis 'cause that's where Prince is from!
Rose Nylund: When the nitrous oxide wore off and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, Rose, I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose Nylund: I don't think 'wowie-wow-wow-wow' is a medical term.
Blanche Devereaux: [outraged] How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white does not mean that they're angels.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
Sophia Petrillo: That was business!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche is telling me about Freud.
Sophia Petrillo: Why are you askin' her? I'm the one who slept with him.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia this is serious, honey. According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan, she could take her hostilities out on us.
Sophia Petrillo: Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels!
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the 3rd grade? That's sweet.
Sophia Petrillo: t's not sweet, it's pathetic. Fifty-two years, and you never stopped off anwhere. Get a life! So, did you teach anybody anything today?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, I tried, but it seems none of the kids are interested in learning how to diagram sentences. I really don't get it. I mean, am I the only one who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?
Sophia Petrillo: You talk like this on dates, don't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then what is it?
Blanche Devereaux: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.
Rose Nylund: I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Sophia Petrillo: Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone!
Sophia Petrillo: [reading the Classified ads in the kitchen] Blanche, I'm tryin' to decide what to get Dorothy for her birthday. What do you think about this? "Good-looking, single, white male, seeks fun times on a regular basis."
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it's somethin' she doesn't have.