- Maxwell Smart: [during dashing swordfight] You look pained, Rupert.
- Rupert of Rathskeller: You're standing on my foot.
- King of Caronia: What is that terrible smell?
- 99: Eh, horseradish.
- King of Caronia: Horseradish? Smells more like a tarantula.
- 99: Max, it's almost noon, aren't you going down to the headquarters?
- Maxwell Smart: Well I thought I'd go down a little late today.
- 99: Oh, how late?
- Maxwell Smart: Like tomorrow morning.
- King of Caronia: How are you?
- Maxwell Smart: Terrible.
- King of Caronia: The scepter, don't tell me someone has stolen the scepter?
- Maxwell Smart: No, no, the scepter is safely hidden. This is something personal, I can't talk about it.
- [after a beat]
- Maxwell Smart: My wife has been unfaithful to me.
- King of Caronia: Good heavens, with who?
- Maxwell Smart: With me.
- King of Caronia: With you? I don't think I understand.
- Maxwell Smart: To think I broke up my own marriage.
- Rupert of Rathskeller: [Rupert's henchman Otto uncovers a vat of molten bronze] And now I'm going to throw you and King Charles both into the pit, where your likenesses will be preserved permanently in bronze.
- Maxwell Smart: Couldn't you just do our baby shoes?
- Rupert of Rathskeller: Otto, start mixing.
- [Otto picks up a stirring paddle]
- Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Rupert. The scepter is in the embassy room, but it's carefully hidden.
- Rupert of Rathskeller: Otto, stop mixing. Where is it hidden, Mr. Smart?
- Maxwell Smart: I refuse to say.
- Rupert of Rathskeller: Otto, start mixing.
- Maxwell Smart: Hold it a second, Rupert. I have a proposition.
- Rupert of Rathskeller: Otto, stop mixing. What's the proposition?
- Maxwell Smart: You release the king and set us both free. We'll take the scepter and turn you over to the police.
- Rupert of Rathskeller: What kind of proposition is that?
- Maxwell Smart: Otto, start mixing.