Chief: [faced with four men dressed like Prince Abu Ben Bubi] Wait a minute, what is this? Max which one are you?
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief.
Le Moco: [impersonating Max] Right here, Chief.
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief.
Le Moco: No, he's Le Moco, I'm Max.
Maxwell Smart: Don't fall for that, Chief. I'm Max.
Prince: I'm the prince.
Agent 498: I'm hungry.
Maxwell Smart: [Max shoots Le Moco dead]
Chief: Max. Max, where are you?
Maxwell Smart: Right here, Chief. That's Le Moco on the ground. Tear off his beard.
[the Chief tears the the fake beard off Le Moco]
Agent 498: That's Le Moco alright.
Chief: Good shooting Max, you got him.
Agent 498: Get him a glass of water.
Chief: He's dead, it wouldn't help.
Agent 498: It wouldn't hurt.
Agent 498: And you, Smart, I feel towards you like I feel towards my own brother-in-law.
Maxwell Smart: Brother.
Agent 498: No, brother-in-law. I don't talk to my brother.
Agent 498: And if any of you ever get to my country, be sure and give me a call; I'll be happy to show you around.
[grabs his card]
Agent 498: You can eh, you can reach me at that number.
Maxwell Smart: [reads the card] Oscar's delicatessen. Say, that's a great idea, using a delicatessen for a front.
Agent 498: What front? That's the business we're in. We only do spy work during our slack season.
Chief: [Wanting Max to check for possible poison in the Prince's food] Taste the coffee.
Maxwell Smart: No thanks, Chief, I don't drink coffee, it keeps me awake.
Chief: Taste it Max, that's an order!
Maxwell Smart: [Takes the cup and saucer] Wait a minute, Chief, what if this coffee is poisoned?
Chief: Then it won't keep you awake.
Agent 99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
Maxwell Smart: There's something more important than medals, 99.
Agent 99: What?
Maxwell Smart: It's after six. I get overtime.
Maxwell Smart: [13 is hiding in the chimney of Prince Ali Ben Bubee's suite] Look, I know you got a lonely job, 13, but there's no need to be sarcastic about it.
Agent 13: Well, it does have its' compensations. The other side of this chimney opens on the harem girls' suite.
Agent 498: Wait a minute, aren't you going to ask, "how was your flight"?
Maxwell Smart: Alright, how was your flight?
Agent 498: Don't ask.
Agent 498: I'll use my "shh".
Maxwell Smart: What's a "shh"?
Agent 498: It's what you call a silencer.
Chief: Max, come here.
[Max steps forward]
Chief: Now which one is the prince?
Maxwell Smart: Uh, I'm not sure Chief, but there is one way to find out.
Maxwell Smart: Number 1, what's your name?
Le Moco: [Impersonating the Prince] My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: Number 2, what's your name?
Prince: My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: Number 3?
Agent 498: Hm?
Maxwell Smart: How many wives do you have?
Chief: Max, stop it. There is only one way to find out who is really the prince.
Maxwell Smart: Right, Chief. Will the real Prince Abu Ben Bubee step forward?
Chief: No, Max! The real prince is the one with the real beard. I'll start with number 1.
[They get into a tackle not long before Max gets out of it and manages to shoot Le Moco]
Maxwell Smart: [Max enters his apartment and finds the Prince, Le Moco and Agent 498 all wearing the same clothing] Prince, your highness, hello Bubi. Wait a minute. There's something very wrong here.
Le Moco: [Impersonating the prince] One of those two men is Le Moco, quick give me the gun.
Prince: Don't do it, he's Le Moco.
Maxwell Smart: Who are you?
Prince: I am Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell Smart: How do I know your not Le Moco?
Agent 498: You can believe him, Smart.
Maxwell Smart: And who are you?
Agent 498: I'm Agent 498.
Maxwell Smart: Oh no you're not, I just left Agent 498 a few hours ago, and he hasn't even started to grow a beard.
Agent 498: Well we know you're Maxwell Smart.
[the Prince and 498 nod in agreement]
Maxwell Smart: Don't confuse me.
Le Moco: [Impersonating Max] Yes? How do you know I'm not Maxwell Smart?
Maxwell Smart: Hey, that's very good. What other impressions do you do?
Chief: [after the Chief receives a call from YENTA, he sits down looking worried]
Maxwell Smart: What's the matter, Chief, bad news?
Chief: Le Moco.
Maxwell Smart: Le Moco?
Chief: He's KAOS's top assassin. He's just been given the assignment of killing the prince.
Maxwell Smart: I'll be ready for him, Chief.
Chief: Max, Le Moco is no ordinary assassin, he's fiendishly unpredictable, and a master of disguise and voice impersonation. In 27 assignments he has never failed yet.
Maxwell Smart: That's quite a record. His parents must be very proud of him.
Chief: He doesn't have any parents, Max. They were his first assignment.
Maxwell Smart: Oh Chief, what time does 498's plane arrive?
Chief: [Chief looks at his watch] In exactly 15 minutes.
Maxwell Smart: 15 minutes?
[Max looks at his watch]
Maxwell Smart: Why did YENTA wait so long to call?
Chief: They work on a limited budget, Max, they have to wait until after 6 o'clock for the long distance rates to change.
Maxwell Smart: Lucky they didn't drop us a postcard.
Maxwell Smart: [At the airport, Max and 498 fail to catch Le Moco, having slipped through without being noticed] Le Moco loose in the city and the prince is a sitting duck. Come on, my car's right outside, we'd better get back to headquarters immediately.
Agent 498: I'll be with you right away, I have to call Tel Aviv.
Maxwell Smart: Tel Aviv? Now?
Agent 498: I promised my mother I'd call her the minute I arrived. She worries.
Chief: With all that rolling and scuffling around, how did you know Number 2 was Number 2?
Maxwell Smart: Eh?
Chief: How did you know it was Number 2?
Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well that was just a lucky guess.
Chief: Max, we've learned that one of the prince's wives is a KAOS agent.
Maxwell Smart: Which one is it?
Chief: Well, we don't know, it could be the tall, exotic one, it could be the short, voluptuous one, it could be...
Maxwell Smart: I'll check them all out immediately, Chief.
Chief: Max, he has 33 wives.
Maxwell Smart: So, it'll take a little time.