- Maxwell Smart: [on Shoephone] Hello Chief? Max. The informer has just been killed but he left us a clue and I didn't have to pay a cent for it.
- Maxwell Smart: [listen to the Chief's answer] No, I don't have the entire 2,000 dollars, I have 1,500 of it. Well of course I didn't lose it, Chief, what do you think I am, stupid? I spend the other 500 for a package of gum.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm your man, Chief. This is my assignment.
- Chief of Control: Max, this is extremely dangerous, you'd be on the spot, walking a tightrope. Possibly facing a violent death.
- Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!
- Maxwell Smart: You see, I happen to be an expert at this game. As a matter of fact, I happen to be the pool champion of the entire East Coast. Would you believe it? The entire East Coast.
- Willie: I find that hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe the West Coast?
- Willie: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart: How about Stubensville Ohio?
- Shark: Hey, the only man I ever saw make that kind of a shot was the great pool champion "Three Fingers" Yarmy.
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, yes, as a matter of fact I, eh, just stole it off 'em last week.
- Shark: Last week? He's been dead for six years.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh. Good. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Chief of Control: [The Chief, Max and Parker are deciphering the dead spy scrawls] 'P.I.'
- Maxwell Smart: I think I've got it, Chief. It's really quite simple, Parker. You see the Electronic Brain is located somewhere in the Philippine Islands.
- Parker: Wrong.
- Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
- Chief of Control: 'Paid Informer'.
- Parker: Right.
- Maxwell Smart: Right.