Airport Policeman: Pardon, monsieur, are you perhaps an American tourist?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Tremendous guess!
Airport Policeman: Well, you are dressed a little strangely. After all, the eh, temperature here is 101 degrees.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Oh really? Well I find it quite chilly.
Airport Policeman: I find that hard to believe, monsieur.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Would you believe comfortably cool?
Airport Policeman: I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: How do the words "heat prostration" grab ya?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: What am I going to get in your dressing room that I can't get here?
Agent 99: Me.
Maxwell Smart: 13, what did you see?
Agent 13: [hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.
Maxwell Smart: A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Agent 13: Not from twelve to one.
Maxwell Smart: Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.
Bubinski: [Bubinsky the cabbie accuses Max of being the Choker] He's got killer's eyes!
Maxwell Smart: I have not!
Chief: That will be all, Mr. Bubinsky.
Bubinski: Sure you don't wanna cab?
Bubinski: How 'bout you, killer?
[Max raises his fist]
Maxwell Smart: Well if there's anything I don't need at this time Chief, it's a restfit. I personaly want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor... whathisname.
Maxwell Smart: [Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.
Chief: And loving it.
Chief: Oh and one more thing, 99. The man you're dealing with is a deadly assasin. Don't let the fact that he looks like Max slow your reflexes. If he makes one questionable move...
# 99: I'll know it's not Max.
Maxwell Smart: [impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Look, buster, you know what's gonna happen if Sophia sees me talking to you? He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling. Now get lost.
Maxwell Smart: Play it again, Sam.
Maxwell Smart: My name ain't Sam.
Maxwell Smart: Don't confuse me, I'm new in Casablanca.
# 99: What are you looking for?
Maxwell Smart: Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.
Chief: This false neck is an ingenious device, Max. Who made it for you?
Maxwell Smart: The ingenious device department, Chief.
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Doctor. Don't move a muscle.
Dr. Pliny: Why not?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: That's a fountain pen you're holding.
Dr. Pliny: You security men don't miss a thing, do you?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: All public buildings are supplied with ballpoint pens, not fountain pens. It takes a trained eye like mine to detect a thing like this. One tap of this point and you could have been blown to bits. Now watch carefully while I remove the detonator.
[He starts to take the pen apart]
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Now, do you know what we're going to find in this rubber tube?
[Ink drips out of the tube onto the documents on the desk]
Dr. Pliny: [who's unimpressed by 86's deductions] Ink?
Maxwell Smart - Agent 86: Right. We'd better get out of here fast, because that ink might activate the paper.