Agent 99: It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
Maxwell Smart: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.
Maxwell Smart: Boy, time really does fly. Do you realize, 99, that agent 54 will be 36 today? My gosh, it seems like only yesterday that 54 was 35.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe that this painting has been compared to the works of Henri Matisse?
Van Cleff: No.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe Michelangelo?
Maxwell Smart: [Van Cleft does not reply] How 'bout Charlton Heston?
Maxwell Smart: I'll catch the thief who stole those paintings, or die in the attempt.
Van Cleff: Can you do... both?
Maxwell Smart: I've got to get out of here. I've got a appointment in the restoring room.
Agent 13: You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are ya?
Maxwell Smart: Don't be ridiculous, of course not. My date is with Bronzefinger.
Bronzefinger: No, Mr Smart, it was none of them You see, I am...
[takes of his glove to reveal a bronze thumb]
Maxwell Smart: Bronzethumb!
Bronzefinger: Bronzefinger! A thumb is also a finger.
Maxwell Smart: [86 and 99 are about to be bronzed] Goodbye, Mr. Smart. I'll be back in 3 minutes after it's all over. You see I cannot bare to hear a woman crying.
Bronzefinger: How do you feel about a man screaming?
# 99: I wonder what Bronzefinger would have done with us, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Well, he probably would have sold us to some public park. Just think of it, 99, there we would have been, two bronze statues giving pleasure to thousands.
# 99: Thousands of art lovers?
Maxwell Smart: No, thousands of pigeons.
Maxwell Smart: [Max opens the Chief's wall safe] What's 13 doing in there?
Agent 13: The Chief said I've been out on field trips too long. So he gave me this nice, soft office job.
Maxwell Smart: It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?
Agent 13: The Chief gave me the combination.