Chief: Max, be reasonable. How could a girl drown in a phone booth?
Maxwell Smart: How do I know? Maybe she couldn't swim.
Maxwell Smart: Are you a psychologist, Dr. Stueben?
Stueben: I'm the president of the psychologist society for mental health and adjustment through fulfillment.
Maxwell Smart: What kind of an organization is that?
Stueben: We're a hate group.
Maxwell Smart: A hate group?
Stueben: Oh, in the sense that we cure hate and fear. We hate hate. Hate it.
Stueben: I'm going to say a word, and then you respond with the first word that comes into your mind. Are you readdy?
Maxwell Smart: Girl.
Maxwell Smart: White.
Maxwell Smart: Loose.
Stueben: Very good.
Maxwell Smart: Very bad.
Maxwell Smart: Go.
Stueben: No, no!
Maxwell Smart: Yes, yes.
Stueben: [Steuben puts his hands over Max' mouth to shut him up] All right?
Maxwell Smart: [Steuben releases Max and goes back to sit behind his desk] All wrong.
Dr. Braam: Now Colonel, this is probably the first time you ever had a psychiatric examination, right?
Maxwell Smart: Wrong.
Dr. Braam: Wrong?
Maxwell Smart: Right.
Dr. Braam: Right?
Maxwell Smart: Left.
Dr. Braam: Please...
Maxwell Smart: Thank you.
Maxwell Smart: [86 and 99 are trapped in a phonebooth that is filling up with water] 99, do you have change? All I have is a quarter.
# 99: Oh Max, use the quarter!
Maxwell Smart: Use a quarter for a ten cent phonecall? 99, if you throw your money around like that, you'll have nothing left for a rainy day.
Maxwell Smart: And so it must always end... for those who use the human brain for evil... instead of friendliness.
# 99: [trapped in a flooding phone booth] Max, the water is rising. What are we going to do?
Maxwell Smart: Take big swallows.
Maxwell Smart: Hello, operator? Now listen to me and listen carefully... I want you to get me a special Washington phone number. This is a top secret number. Only a few people know it. I want you to forget it the minute that I tell it to you. The number is 628-3097.
Telephone Operator: Oh, you want CONTROL. One moment, please.
Maxwell Smart: Hello, Chief? Uh, this is Max. Uh, listen, Chief, you want to hear something funny? I'm drowning in a phone booth.
Chief: Drowning in a phone booth?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, Chief. You see, what I told you about Mrs. Sloan, that was right. She didn't... she didn't drown in the river.
# 99: Max, please tell him where we are.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, right, 99. Uh, Chief, I think we're gonna need... I think we're gonna need help in a hurry.
Chief: Where are you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: Uh...
[the call is cut off]
Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, your time is up. Insert ten cents more, please.
Maxwell Smart: But operator, I don't have any more change, and this is a matter of life and death.
Telephone Operator: That's what they all say, sir.