Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (TV Mini Series)

Once Upon a Beginning (2004)

Matthew Holness: Garth Marenghi, Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.

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Quotes 

• Garth Marenghi : I don't believe that any living thing should be harmed in the making of a television program or film. Be it human, animal or plant. That's why I personally feel sorry for the cat we killed.

  Dean Learner : I had a cat once. I dropped a sofa on it. It was a write-off, so I stood on its head.

• Garth Marenghi : Greetings, traveler. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. Most of you probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers, including "Afterbirth," in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.

• Garth Marenghi : I'm one of the few people you'll meet who's written more books than they've read.

• Thornton Reed : What do you suggest, Dag?

  Dr. Rick Dagless : Well, we can start by burning what's left of the body.

  Dr Lucien Sanchez : Get lost!

  Thornton Reed : Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor, but you're also a live-wire maverick, who, when he's not bucking the system is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case is this hand. Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portal to another dimension. I just won't do it! This hospital's got a reputation which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the wards, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make me a pill that will cure madness, or I'll kick your ass so hard, you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint! Understood?

  Dr. Rick Dagless : As crystal. But if the gates of Hell *do* reopen, don't say I didn't specifically warn you, because I just have, and that means you'll be lying.

• Garth Marenghi : Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed, and starred in "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace," a television program so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamn crazy that the so-called Powers That Be became too scared to show it and gypped me, much in the same way that women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.

• Garth Marenghi : I have never exploded. But I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how. I just know. I've always just known.

  Dean Learner : Now I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded - whether it was a colleague or a pet - but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him. There were tears on set. Not from Garth. He was strong for the crew. But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that.

• Garth Marenghi : [reading from one of his books]  Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood? Blood. Crimson, copper-smelling blood. His blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. And bits of sick.

• Dr. Liz Asher : Seems like a regular burial, Rick. Do you really buy this portal to Hell deal?

  Dr. Rick Dagless : I wouldn't say I buy it, Liz. Let's just say I'm window shopping, and right now, there's a half-price sale on weird.

• Dr. Rick Dagless : Welcome to Darkplace. I've seen more auspicious starts.

  Dr. Liz Asher : I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny, Dr. Rick Dagless. I had a vision. I'm psychic

  Dr. Rick Dagless : And I'm Bo Derek.

  Dr. Liz Asher : No you're not.

  Dr. Rick Dagless : You're right, I'm not. I guess I use sarcasm as a defense.

  Dr. Liz Asher : I see the past, the present, and the future.

  Dr. Rick Dagless : Tough gig.

  Dr. Liz Asher : Stop being sarcastic!

  Dr. Rick Dagless : Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic, too.

• Dr. Rick Dagless : I re-closed the gates of Hell as soon as I could, but Darkplace has never been the same since. And with Larry back, it feels like the gates could reopen any second, and that's the last thing I need.

  Dr Lucien Sanchez : You're overworked as it is.

  Dr. Rick Dagless : Tell me about it. It'll be a total hassle.

• Dr. Rick Dagless : The doors of Darkplace were opened. Not the literal doors to the building, most of which were closed, but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond. Doors that were hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles. They were more like portals, really. From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness . . . and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.