Futurama (TV Series)

War Is the H-Word (2000)

Maurice LaMarche: Lt. Kif Kroker, iHawk, Brain Balls, Recruitment Officer, Additional Voices

Photos 

Quotes 

• Leela : You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?

  Kif Kroker : Ugh... sexlexia.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

  Kif Kroker : Being your assistant.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Wrong. Being *your* assistant.

• Brain Balls : The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air, then he bounced 1.8 meters in the air, then he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?

  Henry Kissinger's Head : Mister Ambassador, our people tell the same story.

• Kif Kroker : Mix these mixed nuts! I see two almonds touching!

• iHawk : This isn't a war, it's a murder.

  [turns switch from "maudlin" to "irreverent"] 

  iHawk : [imitating Groucho Marx]  This isn't a war, it's a moider.

• Recruitment Officer : Just sign on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.

  Fry : Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?

  Bender : You know, playing you all for chumps?

  Recruitment Officer : Correct. There's no obligation.

  [Fry and Bender sign their cards, giggling] 

  Recruitment Officer : Unless, of course, war were declared.

  [Siren blares] 

  Fry : What's that?

  Recruitment Officer : War were declared.

• Dr. Zoidberg : I'm afraid he's gone. Next patient.

  Bumpkin Soldier : Wait, Doc. I'm not dead yet.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Excuse me, but who's the doctor?

  iHawk : You can keep calling yourself that, it won't make it true.

• Brain Balls : Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours.

  Philip J. Fry : All right! Hey, wait a minute. This is your home planet? WE'RE the alien invaders?

  Brain Balls : Correct.

  Bender : Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson: Don't mess with Earth.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man. More importantly, your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child. What lotion do you use?

  Leela : Pert and Popular, sir.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of Pert and Popular.

  Kif Kroker : What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows.

• Dr. Zoidberg : Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient!

  iHawk : Geez, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy to kill.

  Nurse : You leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice the training you have.

  iHawk : Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.

  [laughs] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : See, this is how it starts. First with the jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.

  iHawk : [Turns switch from irreverent to maudlin]  When will the killing end?

• Kif Kroker : That new recruit is phenomenal, sir!

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds... and sixteen minutes... and twelve hours... I do plan to finish someday, Kif!