Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
Nd-Nd: Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
Turanga Leela: It worked! Gravity normal... air returning. Terror replaced by cautious optimism! We did it, Fry!
[She looks over and sees his lifeless body]
Turanga Leela: Fry?
[She sees her oxygen supply is at zero and her face mask is connected to Fry's. She gasps in alarm]
Turanga Leela: You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe!
[She turns him over and performs C.P.R. to revive him. While pounding his chest, he coughs and spits out a candy heart that sticks to her cheek. She sighs in relief, then takes it off and reads it aloud]
Turanga Leela: "U leave me breathless?"
[Fry smiles brightly]
Turanga Leela: Happy Valentine's Day, Fry.
Philip J. Fry: [In a wheezing voice] Happy Valentine's Day.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
Turanga Leela: Check.
Lrrr: These candies are chalky and unpleasant!
Nd-Nd: And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"?
Lrrr: Surely it says "love".
Nd-Nd: No, "wuv", with an Earth W. Behold.
Lrrr: This concept of wuv confuses and infuriates us!
Turanga Leela: Look, I'm not saying Bender's not great, but have you ever considered that maybe he's, you know, not that great?
Planet Express Ship: You're just jealous! Nobody loves you 'cause you're tiny and made of meat!
Dr. Zoidberg: [voiceover] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray.
Philip J. Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.
Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.
Planet Express Ship: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pajama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?
Bender: Yep, mind-numbingly interesting.
Planet Express Ship: Bender, don't lie. I saw you at Elzar's with those two ladies of the evening. Explain that!
Bender: Well, I love a challenge. Um... no... I've got it. I'm gonna be completely honest with you, Planet Express ship. Those women you saw me with were my accountants.
Planet Express Ship: Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true, so I do.
Lucy Liu: [Inside Bender's compartment] Who are you talking to?
Bender: No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only woman for Bender.
Lucy Liu: I love y...
[Bender closes door on her]
Turanga Leela: At least it looks like you were able to keep your consciousness separate from hers.
Bender: Of course. Bender is a lone wolf, a solitary eagle...
Planet Express Ship: [speaking through Bender] ... a cuddly baby tapir...
Bender: ...and that's why I love him.
Turanga Leela: She can't hear us in here, so just pretend to shower.
Philip J. Fry: Same as everyday. Got it.
Philip J. Fry: Wow! Letters like 'U' and 'R' can stand for words, like 'you' and 'are.'
Dummy #1: Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you have niiice cans.
Bender: Hey, whose been messing with my radio? This is not alternative rock, it's college rock.
Turanga Leela: The ship should be getting a bit more irrational now.
Planet Express Ship: Me want engulf Bender! Raaar!
Turanga Leela: Bender, dating your co-worker and primary mode of transportation is immoral, illogical, and in violation of interstellar shipping statue 437-B.
Bender: That's what makes it so nasty.
Turanga Leela: Bender, spaceship, stop that bickering, or I'm coming over there and changing your opinions manually.
Philip J. Fry: Bender, how can you be in love with the ship? It'd be like me falling in love with a really fat chick... and living inside her... and going
[imitates flying sounds]
Bender: Fry, in order for me to get busy with maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a 400-ton booty.
Turanga Leela: Ugh! I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face!
Philip J. Fry: I'm on it! And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it.
Turanga Leela: Fat chance.
Philip J. Fry: [Reads one] Egh, no...
[Eats it and gags softly at the nasty taste; he reads another and groans in disappointment]
Philip J. Fry: Ooh... How 'bout this one?
Turanga Leela: Give it up, Fry! I have to pop these tops in a precise order.
Dr. Zoidberg: [voice-over] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray.