Randy: They called me crazy for building this ark.
Randy's Partner: You ARE crazy. You filled it with same sex animal couples.
Randy: Hey, there are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.
[Al Gore is sponsoring a convention]
Al Gore: I must go now, to help collect cans on Jupiter.
Al Gore: Peace out, y'all.
Al Gore: My fellow Earthicans. As I discuss in my book, Earth in the Balance, and the more popular, Harry Potter and the Balance of the Earth, we need to protect ourselves against pollution, as well as dark wizards.
Dark Wizard: Oh sure, blame the wizards.
Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot.
Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!
Fry: Wow! That ice dispenser is so big, the ice crushes you. Ha ha ha! Yakov Smirnov said it.
Leela: No, he didn't.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one.
Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice, like some outer space Motel 6!
Leela: Completely out of ice?
Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.
Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips.
Linda the Newsanchor: At least all those windmills will keep them cool.
Morbo: Windmills do not work that way! Good night!
Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?
Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself, like poor little Shelly here.
Hermes Conrad: What could you possibly have in common with that walking soup mix?
Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell but live a rich inner life. And also... well, you know.
Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?
Bender: No, it's just... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.
Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.
Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.
Fry: Professor, you're a professor. You must have some ideas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide!
Al Gore: Our next speaker is professor...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I demand the floor!
Al Gore: Yes, it is your turn to speak.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, nuts to me! I'm taking the stage!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I know the source of the greenhouse gasses, but in my shame I kept it secret for 75 long years. Oh, it haunts my memories still!
[aims a gun at his head]
Fry: Professor, no! Don't do it!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then?
[fires memory ray]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It was October 17th at 1:54 PM, and fourteen birds were flying by the window...
President Richard Nixon's Head: For saving Earth and foiling me, I proudly yet angrily present you with our new highest honor: the Polluting Medal of Pollution.
Linda the Newsanchor: With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing a sudden case of global warming.
Morbo: Morbo is pleased but sticky.
Dr. Zoidberg: Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? Is a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots!
Dr. Zoidberg: I don't hear any gasping.
Leela: We all figured that out.
Dr. Zoidberg: Aw.
Bender: We pollute too much. We're destroying the world and killing the turtles.
Reverend Preacherbot: To hell with the turtles!
Bender: No one insults the turtles!
Documentary Narrator: Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean now and again.
Suzie: Just like daddy puts in his drink every morning. Then he gets mad.
Documentary Narrator: Of course, because the greenhouse gasses are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time, thus solving the problem once and for all.
Documentary Narrator: Once and for all!
Civil Defense Van: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to present the host of the Kyoto global warming conference. The inventor of the environment, and first emperor of the moon, Al Gore!
Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm!
Fry: Good for him.
Civil Defense Van: Calling all scientists! Calling all scientists! Be advised that there will be a worldwide conference on global warming in Kyoto, Japan.
Homeopathic Doctor: I have a degree in homeopathic medicine.
Civil Defense Van: You've got a degree in baloney!
[hits doctor with blast of water]
Mom: What was that?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A flaming burp.
Mom: Does it always do that?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's not always a burp.
Hermes Conrad: Strange, you haven't acted this suspicious since I found those "ape bones" in the basement.
Fry: That sounded horrible, Professor. Especially the you making out with Mom part.
Al Gore: Yeah, I really didn't need to hear that.
Bender: [after discovering that global warming will destroy the Earth] This may be the end of the banana daquiri as we know it!
Bender: [pause] Also life.