- Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.
- Richard Nixon's Head: That's it! You're all going to jail, and don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy, Ford.
- Turanga Leela: You'll never pardon anyone because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were in your time.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but the average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become more bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And when I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
- [laughs]
- Fry: Well, he lost my vote.
- Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.
- Bender: Gimme my body back, ya two-bit thief!
- Richard Nixon's Head: Now look here, you drugged out communist! I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers.
- Checkers' Head: Arf!
- Richard Nixon's Head: Shut up, dammit!
- Nixon's Campaign Manager: I give you the next president of Earth!
- [Richard Nixon's head on a giant robot body breaks through the wall, steps on the campaign manager]
- Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon's back!
- Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
- Bender: No! I sold my body.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
- Fry: Why would Nixon stay at Watergate?
- Turanga Leela: They give you discounts if you've stayed here before.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You know, Fry, you could join a third party, maybe.
- Amy Wong: Pfft! Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Really? I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
- Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown.
- Turanga Leela: You're not registered?
- Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated, either. Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.
- Turanga Leela: That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote.
- Bender: Ah, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters by pledging not to go on a killing spree.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.
- Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the Constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice.
- Richard Nixon's Head: That's right, no *body*.
- [Reveals that he has on Bender's body]
- Richard Nixon's Head: But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
- [Starts dancing]
- Turanga Leela: Bender, he has your body!
- Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon?
- Morbo: Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.
- Richard Nixon's Head: How's the family, Morbo?
- Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
- [on "The Scary Door"; following a nuclear war that has destroyed humanity]
- The Reader: Finally! Solitude! I can read books for all eternity!
- [the Reader's glasses fall off]
- The Reader: It's not fair! IT'S NOT... Oh, well, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books.
- [the Reader's eyes fall out]
- The Reader: IT'S NOT... Oh, well, lucky I know Braille.
- [the Reader's hands fall off - he screams loudly, only for his tongue to fall out of his mouth - then his head falls off his shoulders]
- The Reader: Hmmm. Look at that weird mirror.
- Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location, the kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door.
- Claudia Schiffer: Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
- Fry: I recognize you. Didn't you used to have a body of some sort?
- Claudia Schiffer: Yeah, but it was holding me back. You know, I just did the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimcap issue.
- Fry: Grrr! Well, you're looking great.
- Claudia Schiffer: Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, though.
- Fry: Couldn't hurt.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
- Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!
- Linda the Newsanchor: The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to its highest level in centuries: six percent.
- [Fry and Leela are watching a debate. The candidates are clones, they use the same tone of voice and body movements for each other's short speech]
- Jack Johnson: It's time for someone who has the courage to stand up and say,
- [slams his fist on the podium]
- Jack Johnson: I'm against those things that everybody hates!
- John Jackson: Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But quite frankly...
- [slams his fist on the podium]
- John Jackson: I agree with everything he just said.
- Turanga Leela: There's a political debate on. Change the channel.
- Bender: That's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.
- Richard Nixon's Head: I remember my body. Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body. God, how I loved it.
- Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course it was tough love, but...
- Turanga Leela: [Elbows Fry] Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.
- Amy Wong: [At the Dudes for the Legalization of Hemp booth] So, is it true that you can make all kinds of shirts and ropes out of hemp?
- Stoned Guy: Dave's not here, man.
- Amy Wong: I also hear hemp makes great shampoo.
- Stoned Guy: It does? No way! I gotta check out this brochure.
- [Picks up a hamburger and eats it]
- George Washington's Head: So telleth me, Bender. What hath happened to your body?
- Bender: I hocked it.
- George Washington's Head: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
- Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.
- George Washington's Head: Ah, booze money.
- Richard Nixon's Head: [to Leela] Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973 but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place.
- [laughing maniacally]
- Fry: Well, he lost my vote.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Like one vote ever made a difference.