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"Futurama" A Clone of My Own (TV Episode 2000) Poster

(TV Series)

(2000)

Quotes

Robot Doorman #1: Halt! Identify this guest.

Leela: This is Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.

Robot Doorman #1: Escaped? No one escapes!

Robot Doorman #2: This guest does not look 160-years old.

Fry: What? I'm old. Listen. Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!

Robot Doorman #1: Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children in their lawn.

Robot Doorman #2: There is no denying that, but we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.

Bender: [presents the guard with a large jar of blood] Got a hot, steaming batch right here.

Robot Doorman #2: We only needed one cell.

Bender: Ah, keep the change, buddy.

Bender: Where would the professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! Ha ha ha ha!

Hermes Conrad: Up yours, Zoidberg! Up wherever your species traditionally crams things.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [on a holographic message] I know you're all very upset, especially Bender.

Bender: Well, life goes on... except for you. Ha ha ha ha!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark. But he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.

Bender: You bastard!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.

Translator Machine: Bonjour!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.

Bender: That's a complete load!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balognium. It's all impossible.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

[pause]

Dr. Zoidberg: [to Drummer] Hey, Ringo. That was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.

[trying to wake up an unconscious professor Farnsworth]

Leela: Try shocking him.

Bender: Your social security check's bounced. Stuff cost more than it used to. Young people use curse words.

Fry: Damn it.

Fry: So this is where they stick old people. It's horrific!

Leela: At least it keeps them from driving.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some kind of cruel muslin. And the cute little pom-pom pull ropes, cruel though they may be...

Cubert J. Farnsworth: And why does our captain have only one eye? There's someone I'd like you to meet. His name is depth perception.

Leela: Why you little...

[swings at Cubert and misses]

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Ooh, that hurt... the air!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: What? You've never seen a genius's wiener before?

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: Look Professor. I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You... wha?

Cubert J. Farnsworth: I don't want to be an inventor. I want to be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science fiction cartoon writer.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

[reading the letter he got]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The University is bringing me up on disciplinary charges... wait... that's not good news at all.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me on disciplinary charges. Wait - that's not good news at all.

Leela: Whatever you did, professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, but they won't listen! Everybody's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark - uuuh, suddenly you've gone too far.

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Fry: Nothing is impossible. You'd know that if you really took after the professor, like I do.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you.

Fry: Uh, wha?

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Wait a minute, that means I also take after you. Aaaah!

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Leela: Look, the professor trusts me to fly a giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the rest of you to take care of his dentures.

Amy Wong: [wearing the professor's dentures] Yes, he would.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a three-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.

[sits down, depressed]

Bender: [clapping] Funny, funny stuff.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Also impossible

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner, which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: That's especially impossible.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Not at all. It's very simple.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Then explain it.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that's impossible! It came to me in a dream, and I forgot it in another dream.

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Robot Guards: Seize them! Seize them! Seize them!

Guard: Get them! I mean, seize them!

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Bender: They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here is the professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth. It was you driving your hovercar last night, not your horse! Dean Epsilon, I know all about your Department of Pool Boy Studies. And Doctor Wernstrom... Wernstrom!

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Leela: After fourteen years of graduate school, Professor Farnsworth settled into the glamorous life of a scientist. Fast cars, hot nightclubs, beautiful women... the professor designed them all, working out of his tiny, one-bedroom apartment.

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: And why do we need a bending robot around here, anyway? What possible use do we have for you?

Bender: Uh, me no speak-a the English.

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Fry: You know, when I was asked to make a film about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth, I thought, "Why should I?" Then later, Leela made the film. But if I had made the film, you could bet there would've been more topless women on motorcycles. Roll film!

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Dr. Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs.

[rimshot]

Dr. Zoidberg: That wasn't a joke. I was talking to Dean Streptococcus.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved. So many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back fifteen years.

Dr. Zoidberg: If only it'd work, you could go back and not waste your time on it.

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Leela: Okay, we'll tell them the professor escaped and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old.

Fry: I'm on it.

[lifts up his pants and acts old and frail]

Cubert J. Farnsworth: My God, the illusion is so perfect. I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot!

Leela: Now they may ask for a DNA sample.

Fry: [hikes up his pants higher] I'd like to see them find it.

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets.

Bender: No, we're not, you little bedwetter. Oops! I'm sorry.

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Bender: How 'bout a few words, Professor?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Huh, wha... er...?

Bender: I said words.

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Bender: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Oh, kill me now, people!

Elzar: How are we doing here?

Bender: Oh, Elzar, everything is so good!

Elzar: What are you, an ass-kissing machine?

Bender: Yes, sir! Good one, sir!

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: Why do I have to be the hump?

Fry: 'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Thank you all for saving me. Especially you, my little clone. No matter what you decide to do with your life, I'm proud of you.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: I've already decided. Dad, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Don't worry, son, you will. Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as wandering bladder.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Why?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, no reason. No reason at all.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say Coach Hairpiece...

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Bender: And now, a man who needs no introduction.

[Sits down; nothing happens]

Bender: Fry, get up there!

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Fry: Man, the professor has been in his lab for days.

Bender: I hope he didn't die. Unless he left a note naming me his successor, then I hope he did die.

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Fry: Sorry to disappoint you, but need I remind you?: blood is thicker than water.

Dr. Zoidberg: [writting] Blood... thicker?... water.

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Bender: Impending para un bending!

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called crew, if it can so be called. First of all, "Doctor" Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?

Dr. Zoidberg: I lost it... in a volcano.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, Cubert, come in here. I have something amazing to show you.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: What is it? A competent employee? I doubt that very much.

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Leela: They've blown out one of our engines!

Fry: Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix it!

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: [Hiding on Fry's back] Stupid robot.

Robot Doorman #1: Did your hump just say something?

Fry: Uh... I've got Talking Hump Syndrome.

Robot Doorman #1: Ah, THS.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.

Hermes: Why can't they go today?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.

Fry: Wow, I love symposia!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.

Bender: Sounds boring.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] This is my Universal Translator. It could have been my greatest invention, but it translates everything into an incomprehensible dead language

Cubert J. Farnsworth: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.

Universal Translator: Bonjour!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: See? Lousy gibberish!

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship across the universe. The ship stays in place and the engines move the universe around it.

Bender: That's a complete load!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

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Cubert J. Farnsworth: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balonium. It's all impossible.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

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Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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