Ross: Dammit! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.
Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today, I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
Ross: No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: Everyday is Lesbian Lover Day!
[about Ross' new baby]
Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.
Monica: Seriously! Hypothetically, why won't I have a baby by the time I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh dear God... This parachute is a backpack!
Phoebe Buffay: [singing in the hospital] They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why And you cry and you cry and you cry And you cry and you cry...
Monica: [pushes Chandler off her shoulder] come on let's get some coffee.
Chandler: Oh right because we never do that.
Ross: I don't believe this, she could be giving birth in a cab!
Rachel: Oh Ross, relax. It's probably like $2 for the first contraction and then 50 cents each additional contraction.
[Ross glares at her]
Rachel: What? It's Ok when Chandler does it?
Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
Phoebe Buffay: When I was growing up, you know, my dad left and my mother died and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. Here's this little baby who has three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most, and it's not even born yet. It's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.