Friends (TV Series)

The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner (2002)

Matthew Perry: Chandler Bing

Quotes 

• Phoebe : [Sniffs Chandler]  Oh, Chandler! You stink of cigarettes!

  Chandler : Do you think Monica is going to be able to smell it?

  Phoebe : Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek goddess.

  Chandler : Pheebs?

  Phoebe : [Looks shocked]  I'm gonna go.

• Monica : Did you smoke?

  Chandler : Yes. But I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five! A pack. Two pack - A carton. Three big fat cartons in two days!

• Chandler : [Arguing over Chandler smoking]  I messed up. It was a meeting.

  Monica : So what? Don't you have any will power?

  Chandler : Will power? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs without taking the tin foil off.

  Monica : You said that was sexy.

  Chandler : Can we just drop this? I'm not going to smoke again.

  Monica : That's right because I forbid you to smoke again.

  Chandler : You forbid me?

  Monica : Exactly.

  Chandler : I've flown a long way to see my loving wife, is she here by the way?

  Monica : Don't joke with me, I'm very upset right now.

  Chandler : Would you say this is most upset you can be?

  Monica : I think so.

  Chandler : [Takes out a cigarette and smokes it]  then I might as well do this.

  Chandler : [Long pause]  I'm not sure what to do now.

  Monica : I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner you're going to put out that cigarette, and we're going to put this fight on hold and go have sex.

  Chandler : Fine, WHAT?

• Chandler : [after having sex]  You are welcome.

  Monica : You know what? Let's not talk.

  Chandler : What?

  Monica : I'm still mad at you for smoking.

  Chandler : But you said you forgave me "couple cigarettes no big deal".

  Monica : [Rambling]  Blah blah blah! I only said because I was ovulating and you said you wouldn't have sex with me if we're fighting.

  Chandler : You tricked me to get me into bed?

  Monica : That's right, I got "mine".

  Chandler : [Feeling embarrassed and disappointed]  I feel so used.

• [Chandler undressing slowly] 

  Monica : [Sarcastically]  Spend more time taking off the tie, that'll make a baby.

  Chandler : Look, I can't do this, I can't "make love" to you while we're fighting.

  Monica : Oh sure, now you're "Mr. Sensitivity", but when you wanted to have sex after my uncle's funeral...

  Chandler : That was a "celebration of life", look I'm going to do this, is this really the way you want our baby to be conceived?

  Monica : No, you're right. We shouldn't do it like this. So you had a few cigarettes, it's not the end of the world.

  [They kiss each other] 

  Monica : [Implying they should have sex]  You want to?

  Chandler : [Enthusiastically]  yeah, let's "celebrate life!"

• Monica : [Seductively]  Hi, I missed you, would you like to join me in the bedroom?

  Chandler : [Nervously avoiding her because he smells like cigarette smoke]  No thanks, I'm good.