Bill Haverchuck: Remember that time in science class when I tried to sneak out a fart but it came out a poop? And then I had to flush my undies down the toilet? Do you think I wanted to tell you guys that?
Lindsay Weir: [about Tuba Girl] Oh, my God.
Ken Miller: What?
Lindsay Weir: You really like her, don't you?
Ken Miller: I feel odd.
Sam Weir: Uh, dad, can I have an Atari from my birthday?
Harold Weir: An a-what-ee?
Sam Weir: Atari.
Harold Weir: What the heck is that?
Jean Weir: That's one of those expensive video games, isn't it?
Sam Weir: No, no, it's not expensive!
Harold Weir: Yeah, well, whatever it costs, it's a waste of money. And time. You know, the welfare rolls are full of video game players.
Lindsay Weir: No, they're not.
Harold Weir: Well, they're gonna be. Trust me.
Neal Schweiber: So, I wake up this morning, and guess what is sitting on the end of my bed?
Bill Haverchuck: A turd?
Neal Schweiber: Yes, Bill, a turd.
Bill Haverchuck: Eww, gross!
Neal Schweiber: An Atari video set. Is my dad the coolest, or what? So, uh, shall we say Asteroids, my place, 3:30?
Bill Haverchuck: Yeah, if that's when you wanna get your butt kicked.
Bill Haverchuck: You remember when we said we'd tell each other everything?
Neal Schweiber: Yeah.
Bill Haverchuck: Did you mean it?
Neal Schweiber: Of course.
Bill Haverchuck: Even if it's something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, 'cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible.
Neal Schweiber: Okay, Bill, you're killin' me. You gotta tell me now.
Kim Kelly: [watching the marching band practice] Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things?
Daniel Desario: I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.
Ken Miller: [watching the marching band practice] Look, look, it's Tuba Girl.
Ken Miller: Hey! Hey, your tuba is so big and sexy It makes me hot listening to it, baby! Play me some Billy Joel! Yeah!
Lindsay Weir: [after Ken mocks Tuba Girl] Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument.
Ken Miller: That's not playing an instrument. It's like blowing into a toilet!
Lindsay Weir: It sounds better than your singing.
Ken Miller: Lindsay, here's an idea. How about you break up our band so you can go make out with Nick? Oh, wait, you already did that, that's right.
Lindsay Weir: So who's Wendy Franklin?
Kim Kelly: Ugh, long story. Let's just say she's a cheap little slut that Daniel made out with while we were broken up.
Lindsay Weir: But it's over with her, right?
Kim Kelly: Lindsay, that's not the point. He did it with her at the Laser Dome. Now he wants to go there with me?
Lindsay Weir: So, are you going?
Kim Kelly: Well, yeah. I mean, what else am I gonna do?
Bill Haverchuck: You know what would be cool, guys? To find a girl in a bottle, like - like "I Dream of Jeanie." I'd like to make out with her on that little couch.
Sam Weir: Yeah, Cindy would look good in those puffy pants.
Sam Weir: [to Neal] So, I told my mom that I was eating at your house, and Bill told his mom he was eating at my house, so that should give us some time.
Bill Haverchuck: When are we really gonna eat? I'm hungry.