Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Niles: Well, that's because he knows you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, fan of my show?
Niles: No, he lives in your building.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [as Martin is duct-taping his chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
Martin: You know, I keep havin' this dream where you say the same words... only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have medical power of attorney it won't cost me a thing.
[Niles drops by with his dog]
Niles: Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...
Martin: Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.
Niles: [Niles' cockatoo is attached to his head] I don't think my reputation can suffer more than it already has.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wouldn't be so sure about that; wearing a white bird after Labor Day.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Place cards, how elegant...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Niles: He's an investment banker from Amsterdam. He apparently handles a lot of Bill Gates's money, so don't say anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [dryly] Damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into] I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles: On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: [Holding Niles' dog] Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.
Martin: Niles, you gotta see this, your bird's eating peanut butter! It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I can't stall them for much longer. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Niles: What? Who is it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Elaine something.
Niles: Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, she's very thin, exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Niles: [annoyed] Oh, like that narrows it down!