Frasier (TV Series)

The Wizard and Roz (2001)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room.

  Martin Crane : Oh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses.

  Daphne Moon : Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on.

  Martin Crane : [smugly]  Thank you.

• [Daphne's psychic tester arrives] 

  Dr. Sheldon Morey : Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Really? Please, have a seat.

  Dr. Sheldon Morey : Thank you.

  Dr. Niles Crane : So... you're more of a debunker.

  Dr. Sheldon Morey : Well, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, so then you've never found one.

  Dr. Sheldon Morey : Well, if by "psychic" you mean people with above-normal prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could beat the house in Vegas, then no.

  [drifting off] 

  Dr. Sheldon Morey : I thought I had one for a while, but, uh... no.

• Daphne Moon : Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention to my premonition!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't shown up.

  Daphne Moon : Well, it wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, it wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown up!

  Daphne Moon : And I wouldn't have shown up had I not known that you wouldn't have been able to not come down here!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I'm not... not... not... what?

  Daphne Moon : My point exactly! You don't listen.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles has just banged his knee against a table at Cafe Nervosa]  Niles, Niles, are you all right?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, no, I've just aggravated my old bossa-nova injury.

• Dr. Niles Crane : Well, I'm happy for you, Frasier. He

  [Tewksbury] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : is a gifted psychiatrist, even if I don't share your god-like worship of him.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, I simply have a healthy respect for the man, Niles. It's hardly worship.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, please. You're one step away from seeing his image in a tortilla.

• Dr. Niles Crane : I'm glad we worked this out.

  Daphne Moon : Me too.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [wanting sex]  And now that we've made up, maybe we could mmm... .

  Daphne Moon : Well, I guess we know who's not psychic.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles is lying on Frasier's couch, nursing his sore knee]  Is there anything I can get you, Niles? A cold pack, perhaps?

  Dr. Niles Crane : No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare.

• Dr. Niles Crane : Pssst, Frasier. Can you get me a latte?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Why don't you get it yourself, Niles? Oh, that's right: It's bad moogambo for you to enter.

  Dr. Niles Crane : You know I promised Daphne.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, yes, and woe betide he who disobeyeth the oracle!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Alright, alright... wait, wait. Maybe if I... I get it to go and don't actually sit down I won't be breaking my promise.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Step aside everybody, big set of onions coming through!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles has just promised Daphne not to go to Nervosa due to a psychic vision about his safety]  Wow, that was scary!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Don't tell me you believe in that stuff.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, I mean the way that she can manipulate you like that.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh... please, I was just being diplomatic.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Tell me: is it difficult to kick box without a spine?

  Dr. Niles Crane : You're going to find out.