Frasier (TV Series)

The Life of the Party (1998)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : I don't think we're really quite hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.

  Martin Crane : Ok, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."

  Frasier : I'll send the invitations.

  Dr. Niles Crane : I'll call the caterer.

• Frasier : Not now Niles. I'm telling Vicky my recipe for crepe gateau.

  Dr. Niles Crane : I'm sure she's had enough of your crepe by now.

• Dr. Niles Crane : This is a photo of my latest purchase, an exquisite 18th-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.

  Frasier : Certainly worked for the dealer.

• Frasier : Anyway, as I was saying, where does one go to meet available women?

  Dr. Niles Crane : There are singles bars, of course. Uh, we could join a health club.

  Frasier : Oh, there's a splendid idea. Yes, I can just picture the two of us: tank tops and spandex. Find us a pair of matching headbands, we might as well just sterilize ourselves!

• Frasier : I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee!

  Dr. Niles Crane : It's easy for those men to attract women, they have all that time to work out in the yard.

• Frasier : I'm getting desperate here.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end.

  Frasier : Oh, really? Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique-buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?

  Dr. Niles Crane : That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with sex.

  Frasier : Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer, a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly.

• Dr. Niles Crane : [holding up a folder]  Frasier, prepare to salivate!

  Frasier : Niles, if that is a picture of your new Biedermeier loveseat, you've already shown it to me.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [pulling out a photo]  No, this is a photo of my latest purchase: an exquisite, eighteenth-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.

  Frasier : Certainly worked for the dealer.

• Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, Frasier! I am so glad we had this party. I just met the most *fabulous* woman.

  Frasier : Oh, that's fabulous. I also met someone who's *terrific*.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.

  Frasier : Right. So is mine.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [both men start waving]  Frasier, let me ask you something. At what point would you like to acknowledge we are both waving to the same woman?

• Dr. Niles Crane : I just met the most fabulous woman.

  Frasier : Oh that's fabulous.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [to bartender]  Two white wines.

  Frasier : I also met someone who's terrific.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, wait, wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.

  Frasier : Right, so's mine.

  Dr. Niles Crane : [They both wave to the corner, Vickie waves back]  Frasier, let me ask you something: At what point would you like to acknowledge that we're both waving to the same woman?

• Frasier : I suppose you also came to gloat. You got Vicky, I didn't.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Neither of us got Vicky. She went home with the bartender.

  Frasier : Really? Well, you know what I say? Her loss.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Absolutely right. Her loss!

  [pause] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Has saying that ever made you feel any better?

  Frasier : Not a whit.

• Dr. Niles Crane : The only civilized thing to do is for us to both stay away from her. We are psychiatrists, not a couple of rutting pigs in a barnyard. What do you say to that?

  Frasier : [They look back at Vickie who has just taken off her wrap, revealing bare shoulders and a clinging dress]  Soo-eee.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Very well, may the better man win.

  Roz Doyle : Frasier, your father wants you.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Ah, advantage Niles!

• Vicky : Do you live with your father, Niles?

  Dr. Niles Crane : [laughing]  Oh, no. A grown man, live with his father? Frasier lives with Dad.