Frasier (TV Series)

The Last Time I Saw Maris (1995)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Niles]  Look, all I'm saying is that along with the good things in your marriage there were problems, things you said you couldn't live with anymore. If you want those to change, you have got to stand up to her. If you back down now, you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say, "I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith... Maris!" Well, I've lost all credibility here. Dad, would you please say something?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier is is standing outside the glass doors of Niles's house in an attempt to speak to Maris. Marta, who is sweeping up the last of the mess in the living room won't open the door]  Don't ignore me, Marta!

  Marta : Go away!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Let me in! I need to speak to Mrs. Crane!

  Marta : Missy Crane say no you, Dr. Crane, no other Dr. Crane, and no Crane with a cane.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, at least tell her that I'm here!

  Marta : She know. Everybody know.

  [Marta turns the light off and goes upstairs. Frasier steps back and looks up at the second floor] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Maris? Maris, we need to talk! Oh, look, look, I know you're up there, I can see you through the shutters! All right, if you won't talk, listen! Niles didn't ask me to come here, I came because I care about both of you. I realize that Niles spoke to you rather harshly today. Truth be told, is it was I that urged him to express his anger. As hard as it was for you to listen to such criticism, you're a fair-minded woman and you must concede that he had a right to be upset!

  [the window opens] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh! Oh, Maris! By opening that window you're opening up a window to a long and happy marriage, that's good!

  [a bucket of water is dumped on Frasier's head; he splutters for a few seconds] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : All right, you're expressing your anger! That's good, too! But, listen, in spite of that last little outburst, I am not going to leave here until we've had some sort of a breakthrough!

  [attack dogs barking] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I see our time is up, I'll let myself out!

  [Frasier takes off] 

• [Frasier gets a panic-stricken call from Niles, telling him Maris is missing] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show?

  Roz Doyle : No, you go, do whatever you have to do, I'll handle things here.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You're sure you can manage?

  Roz Doyle : If I can nurse quadruplets and still find time to rule Rozniak, I can do anything!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Roz, I think you should be flattered. Noel's attempt to immortalize you is akin to... a love poem written by Robert Browning to his wife.

  Roz Doyle : Did he ever write a poem where he gave her two extra breasts?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I'd have to check my English Lit notes, but I think not, no.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [on phone]  Hello? Yes? Niles, Niles slow down. I can hardly understand you.

  Roz Doyle : What is it?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Maris is missing? What? No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond!

• Noel Shempsky : Hi, Dr. Crane. Could you sign this petition someone "anonymously" posted in the lunchroom? It's to the talented producers of "Star Trek," suggesting a new character.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [reading]  "The all-powerful space vixen... Rozalinda, four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak!" I'll sign that.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Niles]  Yes, you sit at that piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris. But you hate Mahler. Besides Maris, who doesn't?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [in the fridge with his back to Eddie, and unknowingly, Daphne]  Alright, Eddie, you might as well have that God awful shepherd's pie that Daphne made, it's not fit for humans...

  [turns around, sees Daphne] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Did that sound like humans? I said 'not fit for Mormons'.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles is gone and has left a note]  'Dear Frasier, Dad, and Daphne, by the time you get up and find this note, I'll be gone. Thank you all for your love and support, but I don't want to be a burden anymore. Love, Niles'.

  Daphne Moon : Oh dear... you don't think...

  Martin Crane : Of course not. We know my gun is still locked up, and the balcony doors are still locked.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, and Daphne's shepherd pie is still in the fridge.

• Martin Crane : Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.

  Niles : Oh, God. She's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.

  Martin Crane : [into phone]  Yeah, O.K., slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...

  Niles : Any restaurants?

  Martin Crane : [into the phone]  Any restaurants?

  [to Niles] 

  Martin Crane : Not a one.

  Niles : [springing up with joy]  She's alive!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, Niles! You're certain!

  Niles : Oh, yes! From that list, she's recreating her infamous "Sakes alive, I'm thirty-five" shopping spree!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, you've just been through a very traumatic experience here and you are deep in denial here. You are going through some very extreme emotions right now, and rather than feeling them, you're denying they even exist.

  Niles : I'm not denying my feelings. I'm so in tune with my emotions I was able to move through them quickly. In fact, I've logged them all in my journal.

  [He takes out a small notebook and reads from it] 

  Niles : Let's see, where are we? Here...

  [reading] 

  Niles : "Awake, 5:00 AM: Blissful confusion. Something's happened, but what? 5:01: Ah, yes. An overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair. 5:07..."--this one's hard to read... oh, right!--"Wept uncontrollably. 6:15: All cried out. Hungry now. Ate entire box of Frosted Flakes, they're gr-r-r-reat!"

  [closes journal] 

  Niles : So don't you tell ME I'm not in touch with my emotions!

  Martin Crane : [Niles exits]  9:45: Get out the butterfly net.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Maris, I know you're up there! I can see you through the shutter!