- [Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...
- [as she keeps nuzzling him]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just stop that!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.
- Roz Doyle: I'll save you the club dues.
- Dr. Niles Crane: What-?
- [Roz kisses Niles and exits]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Everyone kisses better than Maris!
- [in their competition to buy Martin the best gift, Frasier goes overboard and buys an enormous big-screen television]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh my God, you didn't.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! It's impressive, isn't it?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
- Dr. Niles Crane: You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.
- [Roz enters the cafe]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, good morning, Roz.
- Roz Doyle: Good morning.
- [she grabs Frasier and kisses him. He wrestles free]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell was that?
- Roz Doyle: [looks behind her] Oh, shoot! He's not even here!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Who?
- Roz Doyle: Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon.
- [about the huge big-screen TV he's bought for Martin]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base.
- Daphne Moon: Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little bud vase, here. That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
- Daphne Moon: Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane. All the difference in the world!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [breaking down] Oh, it's ghastly! Oh God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?
- Sherry Dempsey: Good news! I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of Marty's police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, how reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his eightieth!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [speaking to Frasier about the season football tickets he bought for Marty] If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first two yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
- [to waitress]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Double latte, please.
- [sits]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Is Frasier with you?
- Sherry Dempsey: No, he's out shopping for your dad.
- Dr. Niles Crane: That jackal!
- [Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in]
- Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, did you find something?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
- Sherry Dempsey: Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles was here?
- Sherry Dempsey: Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That little worm!
- [Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]