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"Frasier" The Crucible (TV Episode 1993) Poster

(TV Series)

(1993)

Quotes

Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.

Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

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Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.

Niles: She's on your bed.

Frasier: My bed?

Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

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[after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]

Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?

Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.

Guest: Where should I put this coat?

Niles: Just throw it on the bed.

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Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?

Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?

Frasier: Well, the meanest.

Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

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Martin: For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."

Frasier: Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!

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Daphne Moon: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long, dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die.

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[Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]

Frasier: What were you two doing back there?

Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...

Frasier: Yeeeess?

Niles: Searched the credenza!

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Frasier: Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed!

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[Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him]

Niles: Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.

Frasier: Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.

Niles: Yes, it is.

Frasier: How?

Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...

[makes the arm signal for "field goal!"]

Niles: Whatever that means!

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Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?

Niles: Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."

Frasier: I said that?

Niles: Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.

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Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.

Niles: Nicknames... there were nicknames?

Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.

Niles: "Peachfuzz"?

Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.

[hands Niles the brick]

Frasier: Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.

Niles: I'm proud of you.

[Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal]

Frasier: My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?

Niles: I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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