Frasier: Hello, Line Two, you're on with Dr. Frasier Crane.
Mark: Uh, hey, Dr. Crane. It's Mark.
Frasier: Hello, Mark. I'm listening.
Mark: Oka. Uh, well, I work at this all-night mini-mart, and, um, I've been watching myself on the video camera, and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of.
Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: freaks! Freaks on Line One! Freaks on Line Two! Freaks everywhere!
[after Martin brings Eddie in from a fight with another dog, Frasier enters the living room]
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne Moon: Eddie was viciously attacked.
Frasier: Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell?
Daphne Moon: What are you doing up so early?
Frasier: Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
Martin Crane: 'She'? Oh, working for a woman, huh?
Frasier: Yes. Why?
Martin Crane: Well, it's tough on guys, taking orders from a woman. We resent it.
Frasier: That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived.
Frasier: We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we're going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words: "Who wants to talk about sex?" Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.
Frasier: [Eddie is barking at the dog upstairs] Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M.
[stares at Eddie]
Frasier: Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.
[Eddie ducks his head]
Daphne Moon: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reich Chancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[stomps off to his room]
Martin Crane: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne Moon: [gets up and goes to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie?
[she sticks two fingers in her mouth and blasts a shrill whistle]
Frasier: [from his room] Damn it!
Kate Costas: Dr. Frasier Crane! Kate Costas.
Frasier: Kate, what a pleasure!
Kate Costas: Likewise. I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. I love what you're doing!
Frasier: Really? Well, thank you very much! I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom of everyday life.
Kate Costas: Wow. You really talk that way.
Frasier: You know, one of these days, you are going to misquote someone, and I'm going land on you like a sumo wrestler.
Dr. Niles Crane: Hello, Fraiser, dad, Daphne. I can't stay. I just wanted to ask a favor. Dad, can I borrow your gun?
Martin Crane: Maris taking singing lessons again?
Dr. Niles Crane: No. Our home security system is down for repairs, and no electric gates. I'll just feel safer if I'm packing heat.
Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't even know how to pack a lunch.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, please. Maris is a wreck ever since she found out our entire neighborhood watch is wintering in Palm Beach.
Martin Crane: Forget it. You don't know the first thing about guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: I do so. I promise I'll open the spinny thing and check for bullets before I shoot anybody.
Martin Crane: You bought a starter's pistol?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes. You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt.
[Niles accidentally fires the pistol and jumps on Frasier's couch in fright]
Frasier: [running in from his bedroom] What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Dr. Niles Crane: [casually] Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: Just getting up? Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin Crane: [trying to placate Frasier] Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Dr. Niles Crane: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!
Martin Crane: [refusing Niles' request to borrow his service weapon] I don't believe in civilians having guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: This isn't fair! Maris' mother gave her a gun.
Martin Crane: Well, then Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.
Roz: All right, all right, listen up everyone, I've been working the office grapevine, I've got the scoop on the new boss.
Gil Chesterton: Is she going to fire me?
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey, first things first! Is she baggable?
Roz: Forget it, Bulldog; she'd have you for breakfast.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Right, like I ever stick around that long.
Roz: Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. She's kind of becoming my idol.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job! I just promised my mom a new pacemaker! Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?"
Frasier: [Frasier and Roz have been exiled to the wee hours] Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
Roz: Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. It's sometime after midnight. Dennis Abbott and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralee. Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment to see his priceless collection of silk sheets. And I lean forward and whisper, "I can't. I have to go to work in an hour." What is wrong with this picture?
Frasier: Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.
Roz: So is Dennis Abbott! Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back!
Frasier: Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.
Roz: Well, she can saddle me up and ride me around the room! I can't do this again!
[They leave the booth. Kate is waiting in the hallway]
Kate Costas: Good morning!
Kate Costas: Enjoying your new time slot?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
Kate Costas: Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.
Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Kate Costas: Oh, yes, yes, but some people - and this is so unfortunate - can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective... of what others expect.
Kate Costas: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?
Frasier: I think I made myself clear.
Kate Costas: Well, I really do have work to do. I've got to find somebody for your old time slot - now that it's free!
Frasier: Good luck!
Roz: Nice going, Frasier; now she's never gonna give in.
Frasier: Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are NOT a bunch of spineless twits!
[Bulldog sticks his head out of a door]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [Whispering] Hey, is she gone?