Frasier (TV Series)

Radio Wars (1999)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Martin : How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?

  [Frasier angrily stares at Martin for a moment, then;] 

  Frasier : [explodes]  I'M ON THE RADIO EVERYDAY!

  [He storms to his bedroom] 

• [Carlos and the Chicken have offered a cash prize for the best photo of Frasier's butt] 

  Frasier : [rushing into his apartment]  Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect!

  Martin : Was that Mrs. Curdsman?

  Frasier : She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade!

  [holds up pill bottle] 

  Frasier : Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film!

• Martin : People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.

  Frasier : In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.

  Niles : Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

• Martin : My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, The Avengers . You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.

  Frasier : Steed!

  Niles : Dad!

  Frasier : There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. When anybody tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.

  Martin : Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.

  Frasier : Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?

  Niles : I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.

  Martin : And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.

• Martin : [on phone with Duke]  No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight?

  [turns so Frasier can hear] 

  Martin : That's a great son you've got there, Duke.

  Daphne Moon : [opens door for Niles]  Good morning, Dr. Crane.

  Niles : Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.

  [Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear] 

  Frasier : Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.

  [Martin turns the other way] 

  Martin : [laughs]  No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS.

• Frasier : [about his speech]  I believe I have arrived at a masterful rebuttal.

  Martin : I'm not sure you want to call it your re-*butt*-al.

• Daphne Moon : You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers." My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather catsuit. Come to think of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.

  Martin : Catsuit, huh?

  [nods towards Eddie] 

  Martin : Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.

  Niles : [indignant]  I would not!

  [sees Eddie] 

  Niles : ...be surprised if he did!

  [pets Eddie] 

  Niles : Ho-ho-ho...