Frasier (TV Series)

My Coffee with Niles (1994)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier : I suppose the situation you're in is, you'd like to stay with Maris, but you'd like to have an affair with Daphne.

  Niles : Yes. Can I do that?

  Frasier : No you can't!

• Dr. Niles Crane : [Frasier starts laughing]  What? What?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin, you know what he said to me? He said "What's the magic word?"

  Dr. Niles Crane : You're kidding!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home"!

  [they both laugh] 

• Dr. Niles Crane : Frasier, as always I've enjoyed getting together with you for coffee.

  Martin : What do you guys talk about all the time?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, you know. Sports, chicks, monster truck rallies.

  Martin : Okay, don't tell me.

• Daphne : [Martin has just left in a huff]  Well, I guess I better go after him.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, here.

  [hands her his umbrella] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Take my bumbershoot.

  Daphne : Oh, isn't that nice, well at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.

  [leaves] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles!

• Niles : [on Daphne]  Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East-European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?

  Frasier : Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.

• Niles : [on Roz]  I don't think she likes me.

  Frasier : Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you.

  Niles : Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.

  Frasier : I think you may be on to something there, Sherlock!

• Niles : [sees Roz with her date]  Oh look, look that must be Roz's coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome, isn't he?

  Frasier : "Wow"? Did you say "Wow"?

  Niles : Good Lord, I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing another man before. I wonder if that means something.

  Frasier : [sarcastic]  Oh, absolutely. It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell Dad or shall I?

  [They laugh] 

• Frasier : [on Maris]  So, you really do love her?

  Niles : Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.

  Frasier : You mean it's not human?

  Niles : No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.

  Frasier : I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

• Frasier : Look, why don't we just change the subject from Dad, and talk about something else.

  Niles : Absolutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frothy.

  Frasier : I agree... Are you in love with Daphne?

  [Niles does a spit-take] 

  Frasier : That's a little frothier than I had in mind.

• Dr. Niles Crane : What is that? Rain?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [sarcastic]  No, God is crying!

  Dr. Niles Crane : I asked a simple question.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Do you ask any other kind?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Well Niles, it doesn't look like anybody is leaving; why don't we take a table outside?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Why not? I'm feeling al Fresco.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, how does Mrs. Fresco feel about that?

  [they laugh] 

• Frasier : So, what's new?

  Niles : Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the wills. He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that precious Zen garden that he's been hocking us about since last fall.

  Frasier : How did that turn out?

  Niles : Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position.

  Frasier : Well, good for her. Apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side.

  Niles : I'm not sure, she was reading a Danielle Steele novel and making a nail appointment on her cellular phone.

• Niles : Maddening!

  Frasier : What is it now?

  Niles : They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!

  Frasier : How do you get through the day?

• Niles : You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in psychiatry for the money.

  Frasier : Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. If it were... oh, forget it.

  Niles : What were you going to say?

  Frasier : I'd rather not.

  Niles : Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years: did I marry Maris for the money?

  [Frasier nods] 

  Niles : I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.

• [Frasier comes back from the bathroom] 

  Niles : Frasier, are you all right? You've been in there forever.

  Frasier : Oh, I tried that damn hand cream, it was so oily I couldn't get a grip on the doorknob. I waited to be rescued, finally when some guy came in I said, "Oh God, am I glad to see you." I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me.

  [a man walks past Frasier, giving him an indescribable look] 

  Frasier : There it is!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Martin]  Well you know, as long as we're picking at each other's scabs here, I found another one of Eddie's chew toys in my sweater cubby the other day, hairs all over my favorite pullover. I know he sleeps in there when I'm not home!

  Martin : Well, it serves you right for keeping your sweaters in a place called "the cubby."

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [points at Eddie]  That's it, my bedroom is off limits to this fleabag.

  Martin : He's not a flea bag.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Hey dad, how about those Mariners?

  Martin : Shut up, Niles.

• Daphne : [on Martin]  I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top.

  [Niles gets a glazed, dreamy look] 

  Frasier : Oh well, the best thing to do is just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles... Niles?

  Niles : [snaps back]  I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.