- Helen Moskowitz: So Frasier, you grew up in Seattle?
- Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
- Helen Moskowitz: Such a pretty city. I guess you were barmitzvahed here?
- Frasier: Oh yes, yes of course. What a proud day that was. I can still remember reading from the Torah... before the Rabbi... the Cantor... and uh, the Mohel...
- Helen Moskowitz: The Mohel?
- Faye Moskowitz: The one who did your circumcision?
- Frasier: Uh Yes! Yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard feelings.
- Niles: What's going on?
- Frasier: Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
- Niles: Okay...why?
- Frasier: Well, it's important to Faye; Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off?
- Niles: No problem.
- [checks oven]
- Niles: Ohhh, ham!
- Frasier: Niles, Please! We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this, too.
- Niles: You mean Papa.
- Frasier: Stop it!
- Frasier: [Roz asks about Frasier's son visiting for Christmas] Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
- Roz Doyle: Spending Christmas with dried up, old bones?
- Frasier: I thought I told you: she's taking him on an archaeological tour!
- Martin Crane: I don't know how to be Jewish.
- Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
- Martin Crane: Like what?
- Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
- Martin Crane: Can't you give me an example?
- Niles: What, I should give you an example?
- Martin Crane: Are you going to help me or not?
- Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
- Martin Crane: Oh, forget it!
- [storms out of the kitchen]
- Helen Moskowitz: So, Marty, both your sons are doctors, how did you ever manage to swing that?
- Martin Crane: I have no idea... do I?
- Helen Moskowitz: [Frasier is giving Faye and Helen a tour of his apartment] That's a beautiful bedroom.
- Frasier: Oh, thank you, thank you very much!
- Helen Moskowitz: I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as though you've been in there before.
- Faye Moskowitz: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, I had, Ma, but I was drunk and it was dark; I don't remember so much.
- Helen Moskowitz: You see how she talks to her mother, oy!
- Faye Moskowitz: That was an escape call, wasn't it?
- Frasier: No. What are you talking about?
- Faye Moskowitz: Come on, it's a blind date. You wanted a way to back out.
- Frasier: You are sharp, aren't you? How did you know?
- [Faye's phone rings]
- Frasier: Dad, I do everything I can to make you feel welcome in this house, but nothing I ever do is good enough!
- Martin Crane: A strange way of making me feel welcome: taking Christmas away from me, the one time of the year when I get to do things my way. Like it used to be in our home, with your mother and when you were kids. You know, that's a nice memory for me, you'd think as a psychiatrist you'd figure that out.
- Frasier: Fine, I'm not even a good psychiatrist! I guess I'm just a big fat let-down, aren't I?
- Martin Crane: And I'm just a burden to you and I hate living here!
- Frasier: And I hate you living here!
- [Like Faye and Helen, Frasier and Martin realize what they just said and start crying]
- Frasier: ... Oh my God! I feel terrible.
- Martin Crane: So do I. They were hugging by now.
- Frasier: We never should have tried this, we're not Jewish.
- Martin Crane: [crying] Maybe Mrs. Shapiro down the hall can talk us through it.
- Frasier: [crying] No, she's out of town.
- Martin Crane: [sobs] Oh no!
- Frasier: How did you know it was me?
- Faye Moskowitz: You had that horror-stricken look of someone who's met my mother.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier finds Niles in his kitchen, dressed as Jesus Christ] What is going on?
- Dr. Niles Crane: The man who is supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ Superstar" - he couldn't go on. He slipped in the shower; the man who could walk on water, but...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes, it's dripping with irony!
- Frasier: [to phone] Well, that would be just lovely. All right, I'll see you soon.
- [hangs up]
- Frasier: Well, isn't that nice? Faye's dropping by.
- Niles: Oh, you've been seeing a lot of her lately, haven't you?
- Frasier: Yes, I have. You know, she really is quite wonderful.
- Niles: Well, I thought she was off to Florida with her mother.
- Frasier: Yes, she is. They're both popping by on the way to the airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent Frasier miles.
- [laughs]
- Frasier: I would be delighted to help you in any way I can. What is it you're looking to get for your daughter?
- Helen Moskowitz: A date with a nice, unattached doctor.