Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
Frasier: Oh, Niles...
Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.
Frasier: Niles, you know I'm right.
Niles: You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!
Frasier: [shaking a finger at him] I most certainly am too!
Niles: Your lips say "yes" but your cuticles speak volumes.
Martin: [talking about a plane crash] The last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!
Daphne Moon: Oh, I love nature's little aberrations: warm days in winter, four-leaf clovers, Australians...
Frasier: As a matter of fact, this day only comes around once every four years. Hmm... You know, it's like a free day - a gift. We should do something special - be bold. It's leap year - take a leap!
Martin: You know, I was just about to say the same thing to you.
Niles: She's cleared her schedule from 7:00 'til 7:30 - that means foreplay *and* cuddling.
[after Niles mentioned his and Maris' tryst]
Martin: You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams?
Martin: It's a two-way street.
Frasier: Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands; you come running?
Niles: Well, don't forget, there's a little something for me in this, too. I haven't had sex in six months.
Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.
Niles: Your point would be?
[Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation]
Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.
Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sex.
[from the kitchen, making breakfast]
Daphne Moon: Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them] Grandma in a teddy.
Niles: Thank you.
Niles: Oh, God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration; it's high school all over again.
Niles: Well, let's get back to work. I need something to take my mind off the fact that, at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into non-fat milk bath.
[Daphne enters with a horrid hairdo, sobbing]
Daphne Moon: Tell me the truth: Is it as bad as I think it is?
Frasier: [carefully] How bad do you think it is?
Frasier: It may be an unwise man that doesn't learn from his own mistakes but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
Frasier: Hippity-bippity-boppity-bow, something and something and buttons and bows!
Frasier: [singing] East is East, and West is West and the wrong one I have chose! Let's go where you keep on wearing those-
Frasier: da-da-dahhs, and boppa dohs, things and buttons, buttons and bows! Don't bury me, uh - lovely pea, something, la-la-laaaaa! Let's all go to a... taco show, and a how I love, such and thrush, blow my nose, You look great in buttons and bows! I love you in buckskin, la da-da da-da daaaa!
[turns around and wipes his brow]
Frasier: Everybody! My bones denounce, the fearful trounce, and la-la la-la Moldic rose! Ba-da Seuss, a palm caboose, and a panda hop, and pantyhose, you look buppity, buttons and bowwwws!
Niles: Oh, and, by the way, thanks so much for the "cold shower" tip.
Frasier: Did it work?
Niles: No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tale, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.
Frasier: You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?
Niles: Substitute a sixteenth-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll.
Frasier: Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.
Roz Doyle: Well, how would you feel if you just lost the love of your life?
Frasier: Alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.
[Niles abandons his decision]
Niles: I don't care what you're saying - I'm going to Maris!
Frasier: You will rue the day!
Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!
Niles: When Maris says "get together," she means, "You wear the creme fraiche. I'll lick it off," sense.
Frasier: [quoting "Maude Müller" by J.G. Whittier] "For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."