Frasier (TV Series)
Everyone's a Critic (1999)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Niles Crane : Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.
Dr. Frasier Crane : That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!
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Martin Crane : Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.
Martin Crane : Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"
Daphne Moon : Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.
Martin Crane : Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.
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Roz Doyle : I see Poppy's having a little party.
Dr. Frasier Crane : That is not a party. That's a hostage situation.
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Dr. Niles Crane : You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.
Dr. Frasier Crane : I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!
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Dr. Frasier Crane : We don't want to be late for the curtain.
Dr. Niles Crane : Don't be silly, I'm press now. They'll hold it.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles!
Dr. Niles Crane : Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner! Cancel our dinner! I've scored us two seats, front row, for the event of the season!
Dr. Frasier Crane : You mean...?
Dr. Niles Crane : Yes!
Dr. Frasier Crane : But...?
Dr. Niles Crane : I know!
[proudly holds up tickets]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles!
Martin Crane : [to Daphne] I love when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
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Martin Crane : So, are you sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Why wouldn't I be, Dad?
Martin Crane : Oh, come on, I know what it's like with you two when one of you gets something the other one doesn't have. It's like when you were kids. Niles got a telescope, so you had to have a telescope. You got that funny little guitar, Niles...
Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, it was called a lute!
Martin Crane : Oh yeah, whatever.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets?
Dr. Niles Crane : I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle.
Daphne Moon : The Monocle. Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
Dr. Niles Crane : And the snootiest hotels.
Dr. Frasier Crane : How could this happen, Niles?
Dr. Niles Crane : I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
Dr. Frasier Crane : [indignant] I assume you pounced?
Dr. Niles Crane : [dignified] Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
Daphne Moon : She fired him right there?
Dr. Niles Crane : Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
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Dr. Niles Crane : You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
Dr. Frasier Crane : I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!
Dr. Niles Crane : Well, at least my audience can read!
Dr. Frasier Crane : How dare you review my audience!
Dr. Niles Crane : I'll review anything I want to!
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Dr. Niles Crane : If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."
Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, I'm sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane : I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
Dr. Frasier Crane : She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
Dr. Niles Crane : Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.