Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are you'll be under my knife again, often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly: No matter what you do or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe... 'cause I'm your medic. And however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way.
River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.
Monty Reynolds: Damn you, Bridget. Damn you to Hades. You broke my heart in a million pieces. You made me love you and then you... I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman!
Mal: Yeah. That went well.
Inara: You call this going well?
Mal: We got the loot, didn't we?
Inara: Yes, but...
Mal: Then I call it a win. What's the problem?
Inara: Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere or the part where you have no clothes?
Mal: Heard you were looking for me?
Inara: I was. Care to sit? I was hoping to talk a little business. Would you like some tea?
Mal: Okay, what's the game?
Inara: I offered you tea.
Mal: After inviting me into your shuttle of your own free will, which makes two events without precedent and which makes me more'n a little skittish.
Inara: Honestly, Mal, if we can't be civilized and talk like...
Mal: I'm plenty civilized. You're using wiles on me.
Inara: I'm using what?
Mal: Your feminine wiles. Your companion training, your some-might-say uncanny ability to make a man sweaty and/or compliant, of which I have had just about enough today.
Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl! If she starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good and all I got man parts.
Simon: I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... It's not coming.
[Mal searches Saffron for weapons. Saffron smiles like she's enjoying it]
Saffron: You missed a spot.
Mal: [shoves Saffron away] Can't miss a place you've never been.
Zoë: [about Saffron and her plan] But Inara ain't wrong. She can't be trusted.
Mal: I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
Saffron: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it.
Zoë: [smiles back] Okay.
[punches Saffron in the face]
Zoë: I'm in.
Inara: Well, since I can't seem to find work as companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
Inara: I didn't mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: [meekly] Suo-shee?
Mal: That's Chinese for petty.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: I'm confused...
Saffron: You're asking yourself, if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself.
Hoban 'Wash' Washburne: No, actually... I was wondering... WHAT'S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP? Didn't she try to kill us?
Saffron: Please. Nobody died last time.
Monty Reynolds: Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget.
["Bridget" walks out... and she is Saffron. She and Mal instantly pull guns on each other]
Monty Reynolds: So... you guys have met?
Mal: [standing naked in the desert, watching his stolen shuttle fly by] Aaaww dirty, dirty whore!
[watches shuttle in the distance]
Mal: Yeah, you better run!
Inara: What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That was...
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: [pauses] They were dolls.
Inara: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal: Hey, people *loved* those!
Durran Haymer: How long have you been with him?
Mal: We are not together.
Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?
[walking in on Saffron pointing a gun at Mal, who is standing there holding Durran's historical laser pistol artifact]
Durran Haymer: Now I'm intruding.
Saffron: Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Mal: Unless it looks like we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, 'cause, that's what we're doin'. Don't ask me 'bout the gun, though, 'cause that's new.
Durran Haymer: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but...
Saffron: You can't do this. I have a condition.
[after being locked in a garbage bin by Inara]
[after the heist, Mal returns to the ship, butt-naked. The crew tries hard not to stare. Turning back to the desert landscape, he smiles, contently]
Mal: [closing the doors] Good day!
Mal: How about I stay out of your whoring...
Inara: Well, that didn't take long.
Mal: You keep out of my thieving?
Jayne Cobb: [to Simon] The Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you to fun afoul of his blushing, psychotic bride. If she figures out who you are, she'll turn you in 'fore you can say, "Don't turn me in... lady."
Mal: The beard! You shaved off your soup-catcher!
Monty Reynolds: Yep.
Mal: Wow, I thought you were gonna wear that ugly chin-wig to the grave.