Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal,
[breathing becomes a little more labored]
Jayne: and then maybe, *maybe* we'll come back for those morons who got themselves caught. You can't change that by getting all... bendy.
Wash: All what?
Jayne: [starts swaying] You've got the - the light from the console... keep you, lift you up. They shine like...
[starts grabbing at the air like he's trying to catch something]
Jayne: little angels...
[Jayne falls flat on his face]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
Mal: Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such?
Book: Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.
Mal: If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.
Inara Serra: A companion chooses her own clients. That's guild law. But physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for a compatibility of spirit... There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide. You try to feel that...
Mal: [walks in] And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account. It has a sort of aura...
Inara Serra: What did I say to you about barging in to my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara Serra: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't."
Mal: Well you're holding my mechanic in thrall - and Kaylee, what the hell's going on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?
Mal: Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him. Tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves. But we are thieves. Point is, we're not takin' what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that's best for everyone, okay?
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
[Kicks Crow through running engines. Next bad guy is brought forward]
Mal: Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance...
One of Niska's Soldiers: Oh, I get it! I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with ya.
[Mal and Zoë are waiting to be questioned after pulling "the train job"]
Mal: Whatever happens, remember I love you.
Mal: Because you're my wife.
Zoë: Right. Sir. Honey.
Lund: [drunk] Hey, you gonna drink t'the Alliance with me? Six years today, the Alliance sent the Browcoats runnin', pissin' their pants. You know, your coat is kind of a brownish color.
Mal: It was on sale.
Lund: You didn't toast. Y'know, I'm thinkin' you're one o' them In'apendants.
Mal: And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other till we go away?
Lund: The Independents were a bunch o' cowardly inbred piss pots. Should'a been killed off o' every world spinnin'.
Mal: [puts down drink] Say that to my face.
Lund: [threateningly] I said... you're a coward and a pisspot. Now what're you gonna do about it?
Mal: [smiles suddenly] Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind ya.
[Lund turns, and Zoë hits him in the face with the butt of her gun]
Mal: Drunks are so cute.
Zoë: Sir, is there some information, we might maybe be lacking, as to why there's an entire fedsquad sitting on this train?
Mal: It doesn't concern us.
Zoë: It kinda concerns me.
Mal: I mean they're not protecting the goods. If they were, they wouldn't be letting people past 'em.
Zoë: You don't think that changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun.
Zoë: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
Mal: Come on. We stick to the plan, we get the goods, we're back on Serenity before the train even reaches Paradiso, only now we do it under the noses of twenty trained Alliance feds and that makes them look all manner of stupid. Hell, this job, I would pull for free.
Zoë: Then can I have your share?
Zoë: If you die can I have your share?
[Sheriff Bourne has caught Mal returning stolen medicine to a plague-stricken town]
Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job. He might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours... well... then he has a choice.
Mal: I don't believe he does.
Book: I wish I could help.
[Inara turns to face him & he realizes what he said]
Book: I mean... I don't wanna help- Not *help* help, but- Not with the thieving, but-
[Inara smiles, tries not to laugh]
Book: I do feel awfully useless.
Inara: You could always pray they make it back safely.
Book: I don't think the captain would much like me praying for him.
Inara: Don't tell him. I never do.
Inara: Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock.
[with a smirk Mal half bows, turns and walks out; goes back in just to be annoying]
Mal: Have you got time to do *my* hair?
Jayne: [the three of them are playing Chinese checkers; to Mal] Your move.
[Mal jumps four marbles]
Zoë: That's a bold move.
Mal: I live on the edge.
[Zoe jumps six of his marbles]
Jayne: Nice work dumb-ass.
Mal: [as Zoe chuckles] I've given some thought to moving off the edge. Not an ideal location. Might get a place in the middle.
Simon: [looking at Mal's swollen knuckles] I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
Mal: Well, they tell ya, 'Never hit a man with a closed fist.' But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
Simon: Hmm. I suppose so.
Jayne: [as Lund raises a gun] Hey, hey, hey, them ain't kosherized rules.
Lund: I'm thinkin' somebody needs to put you down, dog. What do you think?
Mal: I'm thinking we'll rise again.
[Serenity rises into view behind them]
Wash: [over loudspeaker] Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.
[door opens and Jayne, Zoe and Mal run onto the ship; watching the men from the bar retreat inside, Mal waves goodbye as the door closes]
Jayne: Damn yokels, can't even tell a transport ship ain't got no guns on it.
Jayne: 'Blow a new crater in this moon.'
Sheriff Bourne: You mind telling me, uh, when it was you last spoke to Joey Bloggs?
Mal: Never did, myself.
Sheriff Bourne: Right. Your uncle. And it was indicated to you that, uh, Joey had an opening?
Mal: Any job would do.
Sheriff Bourne: It's funny your Uncle never went to mentioning the Bowden's problem. Or that Joey Bloggs ate his own gun 'bout eight months back.
Mal: Did he?
Sheriff Bourne: Yep. Blew the back of his head right off.
Mal: So... would his job be open?
Sheriff Bourne: We had some, uh, unrelated trouble. His story had kind of an odor to it.
Inara Serra: Yes, it's not the only thing about him that does.
Kaylee: So, what happened? Another terrible brawl?
Zoë: [smiling] Oddly enough, there was.
Wash: Are you getting my wife into trouble?
Mal: Wha- I didn't start it. I just wanted a quiet drink.
Zoë: Funny sir how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come "U" day... looking for a quiet drink.
Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart.
[Kaylee laughs inaudibly at the exchange]
Niska: Oh, you do not like I kill this man?
Mal: Oh no, I'm sure he was a... very bad person.
Niska: My wife's nephew. At dinner I am getting earful. There is no way out of that.
Simon: So, what are we doing?
Kaylee: [looks up] Oh, crime.
Simon: Crime! Good! Okay! Crime.
Kaylee: It's a train heist. See we fly over the train car, the captain and Zoë sneak in, we lower Jayne onto the car, and they bundle up the booty, and we haul 'em all back up. Easy as lyin'.
Simon: So you've done this before?
Kaylee: [laughs] Oh, hell no.
Kaylee: But I think it's gonna work.
[Jayne takes out Crow with leg shot]
Mal: Nice shot!
Jayne: [sitting on the floor, drugged] I was aiming for his head.
Mal: [after getting tossed out a simulated bar window] Wash, we got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss.
[Zoe comes out fighting a drunk; more join in as Mal takes on the one Zoe knocked down]
Mal: Is Jayne even awake?
[Jayne comes out fighting two at once, pushing them back with his stool]
Niska: You have seen Crow. He loves to stand at the door to say "Boo!"
Mal: Ladies and menfolk,
[holds out a slip of paper]
Mal: we have ourselves a job.
[Zoe grabs the slip with a smile]
Mal: Take us out of the world, Wash. Got us some crime to be done.
Inara: You have such lovely hair. I'm sure the doctor would agree.
Kaylee: Who? Simon? No, he's much too- I mean I'm just- Do you think it looks better up?
Inara: We can experiment. We might even get wild later and wash your face.
Jayne: These are stone killers, little man. They ain't cuddly like me.
Mal: [backed up against the edge of a cliff, facing the drunks from the bar] Oh, ho-ho! There's just an acre of you fellas, isn't there? This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoë: Thanks for the reenactment, sir.
Book: How's the girl?
Mal: Still a little whimsical in the brainpan. Seems calm enough though.
Mal: [River knocks over a tray of medical instruments; both look her way at the sound of instruments clattering] Mm-hmm.
Book: That young man's very brave.
Mal: He's my hero.
Book: Gave up everything to free his sister from that place. Go from being a doctor on the central planets to hiding on the fringes of the system... Not many who would do that.
[after Inara has been doing Kaylee's hair and Mal has ordered her out]
Mal: You're servicing crew now.
Inara Serra: [snickers] In your lonely pathetic dreams.
Mal: [on Niska] He's not the first psycho to hire us. Nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
Zoë: I just have an image in my head of a guy hanging from the ceiling.
Mal: I've got an image of it not being me. Let's do the thing.
Blue Glove Man #1: We didn't fly 86 million miles to track down a box of Band-Aids, Colonel.
Mal: Are you referring to our perfectly legitimate business enterprises?
Book: So... how do you think it's going?
Inara: The caper? Mal knows what he's doing.
Book: How long have you known him?
Inara: I've been on the ship eight months now. I'm not certain I'll ever actually know the captain.
Kaylee: [about Simon] You shouldn't be so rude to him.
Jayne: Why? Cause he's all rich and fanciable?