Wash's Stegosaurus: Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... "This Land.".
'Wash's Allosaurus: I think we should call it "your grave!".
Wash's Stegosaurus: Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
'Wash's Allosaurus: Har har har! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!
[the Allosaurus attacks the Stegosaurus]
Wash's Stegosaurus: Oh, no, God! Oh, dear God in heaven!
Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: Well, we're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.
Zoë: You never heard of Reavers?
Simon: Uh, campfire stories - men gone savage on the edge of space, killing...
Zoë: They're not stories.
Simon: What happens if they board us?
Zoë: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
Kaylee: How come you don't care where you're going?
Book: 'Cause how you get there is the worthier part.
Mal: I believe that woman's plannin' to shoot me again.
Mal: Did you send word to Patience?
Wash: Ain't heard back yet? Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody's makin' a fuss.
Jayne: [to Simon] Little Kaylee here just wishes you was a gynecologist.
Mal: Jayne, you will keep a civil tongue in that mouth, or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?
Jayne: You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy doesn't mean...
Mal: Walk away from this table. Right now.
[Jayne loads his plate with food and leaves]
Simon: What *do* you pay him for?
Simon: I was just wondering what his job is - on the ship.
Mal: Public relations.
Patience: I have to say, I didn't look to be hearin' from you any time soon.
Mal: Well, we may not have parted on best o' terms. I realize certain words were exchanged. Also, certain... bullets.
Zoë: [looking around the Valley] Don't think it's a good spot, Sir. She still has the advantage over us.
Mal: Everyone always does. That's what makes us special.
Patience: [points a shotgun at Mal] Mal, don't you take another step!
Mal: [shoots the horse Patience is hiding behind, which traps her; points his gun square in the center of her face] Now I did a job; and got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character. So let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job...
[Mal takes the money from Patience]
Mal: and then I get paid. Go run your little world.
[wanting free time with her husband]
Zoë: Sir, I'd like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.
Wash: [being dragged away by Zoe, in mock tired voice] Work, work, work.
Mal: [under cross-fire] Bendis, look at me! Listen. We're holding this valley, no matter what.
Bendis: We're gonna die.
Mal: We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. And you know why? Because we are so... very... pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw, huh? Come on!
Kaylee: We're taking on passengers at Persephone?
Mal: Yeah, that's the notion. Could use a little respectability on the way to Boros. Not to mention the money.
Jayne: Pain in the ass.
Kaylee: No, it's shiny! I like to meet new people, they've all got stories...
Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?
Mal: I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse can stop Kaylee from bein' cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Kaylee: [kisses Mal's cheek] I love my captain.
Kaylee: You're gonna come with us.
Book: Excuse me?
Kaylee: You like ships. You don't seem to be lookin' at the destinations. What you care about is the ships, and mine's the nicest.
Book: She don't look like much.
Kaylee: Oh, she'll fool ya.
Simon: What business is that exactly?
[pause; Mal turns but doesn't answer]
Simon: I'm a dead man; I can't know? Is it gold?... Drugs? Pirate treasure? What is that makes you so afraid of the Alliance?
Mal: You don't want to go down this road with me, boy.
Simon: Oh, you're not afraid of them? I already know you'd sell me out to them for a pat on the head. Hell, you should probably be working for them. You certainly fit the profil...
[cut off as Mal punches him, knocks him into the wall and floor; Mal stands over him]
Jayne: [sounds cocky] Saw that comin'.
Kaylee: [sounding weak, but cheery] Oh, don't you worry none. Doc fixed me up... pretty. He's nice.
Mal: Don't go working too hard on that crush, mei-mei. Doc won't be with us for long.
Kaylee: [big smile] You're nice, too.
Mal: [smiles] No, I'm not. I'm a mean old man.
Kaylee: He wasn't gonna let me die... He was just trying to... It's nobody's fault.
[trying to pat his arm, which Mal then reaches for]
Kaylee: Okay. Just promise me you're gonna remember that.
Mal: [holding her hand with both of his] I'll keep it in mind.
Kaylee: You *are* a nice man, Captain. You're always looking after us. You just gotta have faith in people.
Mal: [so only Jayne hears him] Now, you only gotta scare 'im.
Jayne: Pain is scary.
Mal: Just do it right.
Mal: [on the 'lawman'] Comes time, someone's gonna have to deal with him. That should be you. But I don't think you've got the guts... And I know you don't have the time.
Simon: What do you mean?
Mal: [pause; face deadpan, voice serious/grave] Kaylee's dead.
[Simon doesn't react at first, then he looks a little shocked and afraid; as Mal turns and walks to the Bridge, Simon runs to the infirmary; sees Kaylee, quite alive; she waves at him]
Simon: [out of breath] That man's psychotic.
[on bridge, Mal, Jayne, Zoë, and Wash are laughing hysterically]
Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: No! You shoulda seen his face. Oh, I'm a bad man.
Wash: You're lost in the woods. We all are. Even the captain. The only difference is he likes it that way.
Kaylee: I'd sure love to find a brand new compression coil for the steamer.
Mal: Yes, I'd like to be king of all Londinium and wear a shiny hat. Just get us some passengers. Them as can pay. All right?
Kaylee: If the compression coil busts, we're drifting.
Mal: Best not bust then.
Mal: Got me a boatload of terribly strange folk makin' my life a little more interesting than I generally like. Chief among them an Alliance mole - likes to shot at girls when he's nervous.
Wash: Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?
[on merchandise they've just stolen]
Wash: I'd say worth a little risk.
Jayne: Yeah, that was some pretty risky sittin' ya did there.
Wash: That's right, of course. 'Cause they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded. I'm just the pilot. I could always say that I was flying the ship by accident.
Mal: I'm thinkin' Whitefall, maybe talk to Patience.
Zoë: Sir, we don't wanna deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoë: She shot you.
Mal: Well, yeah. She did a bit. Still...
Simon: I am very smart. I went to the best Medacad in Osiris, top three percent of my class, finished my internship in eight months. "Gifted" is the term. So when I tell you that my little sister makes me look like an idiot child, I want you to understand my full meaning. River was more than gifted. She... she was a gift. Everything she did, music, math, theoretical physics - even-even dance - there was nothing that didn't come as naturally to her as breathing does to us. She could be a real... brat about it, too. I mean, she used to
[notices the looks on everyone's face; tries to get back to explaining]
Simon: There was a... a school... a, uh, a government-sponsored academy, we had never even heard of it but it had the most exciting program, the most challenging. We could have sent her anywhere, we had the money, but, she wanted to go. She wanted to learn. She was fourteen.
Simon: I, uh... I got a few letters at first, and then I didn't hear for months. Finally I got a letter that made no sense. She-she talked about things that never happened, jokes that-that we never... It was code. It just said... "They're hurting us. Get me out."
Zoë: How'd you do it?
Simon: Money. And-and luck. For two years, I couldn't get near her. Then I was contacted by some men, some underground movement. They-they said that she was in danger, that-that the government was... playing with her brain. If I funded them they could sneak her out in cryo, get her to Persephone, and from there, I could take her... wherever.
Zoë: Will she be alright?
Simon: I don't know if she'll be alright. I don't know what they did to her. Or why. I-I just need to keep her safe.
Simon: You don't have to worry about me.
Wash: [pause] Well, Zoe's out on a deal I always worry. So, it's not out of my way.
[trying to escape the Reavers]
Mal: How close are they?
Wash: About 20 seconds from spitting distance.
Mal: [tossing her a bar with the Alliance stamp] It's pure, Patience. Genuine "A" grade foodstuffs-protein, vitamins, immunization supplements. One of those will feed a family for a month. Longer if they don't like their kids too well.
Badger: What were you in the war? That big war you failed to win? You were a Sergeant, yeah? Sergeant Malcolm Reynolds... balls and bayonets brigade. Big, tough veteran. Now you got yourself a ship and you're a Captain. Only I think, you're still a Sergeant, see? Still a soldier. A man of honor in a den of thieves. Well this is my gorramn den, and I don't like the way you look down on me. I'm above you, better than! Businessman see? Roots in the community. You're just a scavenger.
Mal: Well, maybe I'm not a fancy gentleman like you, with your... very fine hat. But I do business. We're here for business.
Lawrence Dobson: You have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Jayne: Gee, I never been in trouble with the Law before.
Lawrence Dobson: No, not like this you haven't. You think this is just a smuggling rap? The package that boy is carrying...
Jayne: It's a girl. She's cute, too. Except I don't think she's all there, you know? 'Course, not all of her has to be.
Lawrence Dobson: That girl is a precious commodity. They'll come after her. Long after you bury me they'll be coming.
Jayne: I'm not gonna
[slaps Dobson's thigh with the knife]
Jayne: kill you, Dobson. What's your first name?
Lawrence Dobson: [unsettled; sighs] Lawrence.
Jayne: Lawrence... Ah. I'm just gonna cut on ya till you tell me how much they know.
Lawrence Dobson: [rapid fire] They know everything. Every name, every record - they know how many... nose hairs you've got.
Jayne: [studies his face for a second] Aw, see?
[gets up; disappointed]
Jayne: They don't know a damn thing. It's all over your face. I ain't even... I was gonna get me a ear, too. Aren't you an officer of the law? Well don't they teach you how to withstand interrogation? Can't even tell a damn lie.
Lawrence Dobson: Okay. I can see you're not an idiot.
Jayne: Wish I could say the same, Lawrence, but this is disappointing as hell.
Lawrence Dobson: Let me speak a language you will understand - money. This girl is worth a lot of money. I mean a lot. You kill me, there's nothing. But you help me out... you'll have enough to buy your own ship. A better one than this piece of crap.
Jayne: [quietly] Does helping you out mean turning on the Captain?
Lawrence Dobson: Yes, it does.
Jayne: [standing next to Mal; into radio] Testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: [into radio] You're comin' through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.
Jayne: Yeah, well, but... the transmitter's...
Kaylee: [petting the ship; in a whisper] That's my girl. That's my good girl.
Book: I've been out of the abbey two days. I've beaten a lawman senseless. Fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong.
Inara: [softly] Shepherd...
Book: I believe I just... I think I'm on the wrong ship.
Inara: Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be.
Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well... that'll be an interesting day.
Mal: Imagine it will.
Simon: [after Mal says he could stay on the ship] I'm confused. No wait, I-I think maybe you're confused.
Mal: Now I gotta know how close the Alliance is... exactly how much you told them before Wash scrambled your call. So... I've given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: He was non-specific as to how.
Inara: [talking about Captain Mal Reynolds] Why are you so fascinated by him?
Book: Because he's something of a mystery. Why are you?
Inara: [pauses] Because so few men are.
Jayne Cobb: Ten percent of nothing is, let me do the math here, nothing into nothing, carry the nothin'...
Mal: Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.
Zoë: [speaking quietly] Now we have a boat full of citizens right on top of our... stolen cargo. That's a fun mix.
Mal: [just as quiet] Ain't no way in the 'verse they could find that compartment, even if
[stops as someone walks by; continues quieter]
Mal: even if they were looking for it.
Zoë: Why not?
Mal: [short pause] 'Cause.
Zoë: Oh, yeah. This is gonna go great.
Mal: If anyone gets nosy, you know, just... shoot 'em.
Zoë: Shoot 'em?
Mal: [to his men, after an explosion knocks half of them down] Just focus! The Alliance said they were gonna waltz through Serenity Valley. And we choked 'em with those words. We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty. Just a little while longer. Our angels are gonna be soaring overhead, raining fire on those arrogant Khags. So you hold.
Mal: You hold! Go!
Jayne: Here's a little concept I've been working on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It *is* her turn.
Inara: So, would you like to lecture me on the wickedness of my ways?
Book: I brought you some supper. But, if you'd *prefer* a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire. One has lepers.
Inara: [half smiles] I think I'll pass.
[accepting his tray]
Inara: But thank you for this.
Zoë Washburne: [having narrowly escaped an Alliance Cruiser] Close one.
Zoë Washburne: Any one you walk away from, right?
Zoë Washburne: As long as we got the goods, I call this a win.
Mal: [flatly] Right.
Mal: We win.
Kaylee: [hurries to turn off everything in the engine room; climbs up to turn off a light, room becomes pitch black] Okay, now I can't get down.
Zoë: I know something ain't right.
Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail.
Zoë: It's just that the Captain's so tense.
Wash: The man needs a break. In fact,
[starts lightly rubbing her back]
Wash: we could all use a couple of days leave.
Zoë: We still gotta drop the goods.
Wash: And when we do, we'll fly off to Boros, rich and prosperous - well, less poor. But with enough to find some sweet little getaway.
Zoë: Oh, wouldn't mind a real bath.
Wash: Yeah, and a meal that included some form of food. Just a couple of days lying around. You with the bathing,
[pulls her close]
Wash: me with the watching you bathe.
Zoë: Well, if the Captain says it's alright...
Wash: What if we just told Mal we need a couple of days 'stead of asking him?
Zoë: He's the Captain, Wash.
Wash: Right; and I'm just the Husband.
Zoë: Look, I'll ask him.
Wash: Don't forget to call him "sir". He likes that.
Mal: [walking in] Who likes what?
Zoë: It's nothing, sir.
[Wash smiles sarcastically and gives her a thumbs up]
Simon: So, does it happen a lot? Government commandeering your ship, telling you where to go?
Mal: That's what governments are for - get in a man's way.
Lawrence Dobson: Well, it's good, if the supplies are needed.
Jayne: We're just happy to be doin' good works.
Lawrence Dobson: [holding him at gunpoint] Drop that firearm, Captain Reynolds.
Mal: [tosses the gun and holds his arms up chuckles] This is not my best day ever.
Lawrence Dobson: Simon Tam, you are ordered by law to stand down.
[Simon raises his hands in defeat]
Mal: What? The doctor. Oh. Hey, is there- is there a reward?
Badger: You're late.
Mal: You're lying.
Badger: [looks at Mal in disbelief] What did you just say to me?
Mal: You're well aware we landed two hours before we planned to with all the goods you sent us after intact, ready to roll. So your decision to get tetchy, say we're late... means you're lookin' to put us on the defensive right up front. Which means something's gone wrong. It didn't go wrong on our end. So why don't we start again with you tellin' us what's up.
Badger: You're later than I'd like.
Mal: Well, let's see what a man like you would kill for.
Simon: No, don't!
[Mal kicks open the cryochamber, and finds River Tam curled up inside]
Mal: [looks at Simon, then back at River] Huh!
Kaylee: [after being shot by Dobson, sounds disoriented] Why did he...
Mal: [looking at her wound] Oh, wow. That ain't hardly a mosquito bite.
Kaylee: Big mosquito.
Wash: [as the Reavers fly towards them] I guess they got hungry again.
Mal: Can't get paid if you're dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'...
Badger: Crime and politics, little girl. Situation is always... fluid.
Jayne: The only fluid I see here is the puddle of piss refusing to pay us our wage.
Book: I'm called Book.
[shakes Kaylee's hand]
Book: Been out of the world for a spell... like to walk it a while. Maybe bring the word to them as need it told.
Kaylee: Well, I'm Kaylee. And this here's Serenity; and she's the smoothest rid from here to Boros for anyone can pay. Can you - pay, or...
Book: Well, I have a little cash. And uh...
[pulls out & opens a box filled with, what we find out is, strawberries]
Kaylee: Ooh, *grandpa*.
Book: [sighs] I never married.
Kaylee: Jayne, open the port jack control,
[nods towards it]
Kaylee: cut the hydraulics.
Jayne: [looks around] Where the hell is it?
Kaylee: [points] Look! Look! Look where I'm pointing!
Kaylee: [Jayne follows her finger to the box] Okay. Now it's real simple.
[Jayne opens the box, revealing a mesh of complex wiring; looking dubious]
Mal: It's been a long time since Patience shot me and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge. She owns half that damn moon now.
Book: The boy's not going anywhere, lawman. As I understand it, it's pretty cold outside.
Inara: [to Simon] You're lost in the woods. We all are. Even the captain. The only difference is he likes it that way.
Mal: [walks in] No, the only difference is the woods are the only place I can see a clear path.
Mal: Wash, you gotta give me an Ivan.
Wash: I'll see what I can do.
[over the intercom]
Wash: Kaylee, how would you feel about pullin' a Crazy Ivan?
Kaylee: [sounds weak but positive] Always wanted to try one.
Wash: Everybody hold on to something.
Wash: [to himself, as if talking to the Reavers] Here's something you can't do.
[turns the ship around in one swift movement & blows right past the Reaver ship; to everyone in the engine room]
[Book and Jayne engage the engine, causing the thruster to burn hot & ignite the atmosphere; knocking the Reaver ship aside & launching high-speed into space]
River: [quietly] I didn't think you'd come for me.
Simon: [long pause; just as quiet] Well, you're a dummy.
[both smile briefly]
Mal: Don't know how bright you are, top three percent, but you ain't weak, and that's not nothin'.
Jayne: I don't understand why we didn't leave that son of a bitch in a pool of his own blood.
Mal: We'd be dead. Can't get paid if your dead.
Jayne: Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. 10 percent of nothing is... let me do the math here... nothing, and a nothing...
Simon: So does it happen a lot? Government commandeering your ship, telling you where to go?
Mal: That's what governments are for... get in a man's way.
Radio Operator: They won't move without a lieutenant's authorization code, sir.
Mal: [Mal runs over to a fallen Lieutenant; rips a badge off his uniform; runs back handing the badge to the operator] Here. Here's you code. You're Lieutenant Baker. Congratulations on your promotion.
[pushing him towards the radio]
Mal: Now get me some air support!
[River wakes up screaming; looks around frantically; scrambles out of the box; cringes in fear, hyperventilating as Simon breaks loose from Jayne's grasp; cautiously approaches her]
Simon: Hey, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay... It's okay. I'm here.
River: [calms as recognition dawns on her] Simon.
[silence; starts breathing erratically and sounding frightened again]
River: Simon they-they talk to me. They want me to - They want me to...
Simon: No, they're gone.
[holding her face, sounds almost as afraid]
Simon: They're gone. They're gone. They're gone - We're safe now... We're safe. We're safe. I'm here.
[hugs her; whispers]
Simon: Come here.
[River still sobbing, hugs him tightly, as if afraid to let go]
Mal: What the hell is this?
Simon: [looks up, still holding a shaking River] This is my sister.
Wash: Captain, I got a ship incoming.
Mal: How the hell did they find us? I thought you said we could get around 'em.
Wash: It's not Alliance.
Mal: You sure?
Wash: It's a smaller vessel.
Wash: Um... yeah. I read it as an older model Trans-U class freighter.
Mal: I didn't know Trans-U class ships still operated.
Wash: They don't.
Mal: Get me a visual.
Wash: They're still too far out to...
Mal: [interrupting] Get me something!
Wash: [looking at the scanners] Wait a minute. I'm picking up a lot of radiation emitting from the approaching ship... why, they're burning without reactor core containment. Well, that's kwong juh duh. That's suicide! That's...
[both Walsh and Mal look at each other with dread and then turn to the spaceship in the distance getting bigger and bigger as it approaches them]
Wash: Oh god... oh god... oh god...
Book: [the crew and passengers eat dinner in the galley] Captain, do you mind if I say grace?
Mal: Only if you say it out loud.
Mal: It's been a long time since Patience shot me and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge. She owns half that damn moon, now.