Book: [to Mal] If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Bandit: [robbing a couple on a floating wagon] You gonna give us what's due us and every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the misses.
Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: [in disguise in a dress and large bonnet] How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you purtier, I would.
Mal: [gasps] You are not the man I met a year ago.
[Mal and Jayne pull their guns on the unsuspecting bandits]
Mal: Now think real hard. You've been birddoggin' this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.
[Jayne is walking menacingly towards Mal with a large gun]
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. And the best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger, double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
[he holds the gun out to Mal]
Mal: [exclaims in Chinese] You offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's theft. This the best gun made by man. It has *extreme* sentimental value. It's miles more worthy 'n what you got!
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this. I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of not takin' ya seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.
Kaylee: It was your big makeout session that got us into this, sir.
Mal: I was poisoned!
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.
Inara: [about Saffron] She tried to seduce me too.
Mal: Really? Did she - with - did you...?
Inara: You don't play a player.
Wash: We'd always hoped you two kids would get together. Who is she?
Saffron: Leave me at the nearest port, never look upon me again. I'll make my way with the strength that you've taught me, only let me have my wedding night.
Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.
Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump.
Zoë: Nobody's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.
Mal: [from a deleted scene] More than 70 earths spinnin' about the galaxy, and the meek have inherited not a one.
Inara Serra: Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow.
Inara Serra: And you'd know that because...?
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery.
Inara Serra: Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question.
Mal: Whoa, hey. Flesh. Um... Saffron... i-it-it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's... um... of what's morally right.
Saffron: I do know my Bible sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow and he shall work in her, in and again, 'til she bring him to his fall and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."
Mal: Whoa, good Bible.
Wash: [to Mal, about his "wife"] Did she really make fresh bao?
[Zoë looks angrily at him]
Zoë: Remember that sex we were planning to have *ever* again?
Saffron: [Saffron is sitting on Mal's bed naked, covered by a blanket] I've made myself ready for you.
Mal: [Mal trying not to look] Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means
Saffron: Are you gonna kill me?
Mal: What? What kind of crappy planet is that? Kill you.
Saffron: In the maiden's home, I heard talk of men who weren't pleased with their brides...
Mal: Well, I ain't them. And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
Inara: But Mal said... you - you don't approve of my work.
Saffron: Sure'n he said that to keep you from me. I was too curious about you, ever since I saw you.
Inara: Come to my shuttle.
Saffron: You would... you would lie with me?
[Alarms go off]
Inara: I guess we've lied enough.
Saffron: You're good.
Inara: You're amazing. Who are you?
Saffron: Malcolm Reynolds' widow.
Mal: [about Saffron] You would've kissed her too.
Zoë: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked and all... articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.
Zoë: She can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle?
Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles.
[off everyone's looks]
Wash: Some people juggle geese!
Wash: [Wash being seduced by Saffron] I wish I was somebody else right now, somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky.
River: [in a deleted scene, to Shepherd Book] We want you to marry us.
Simon: What? We... no!
River: Two by two. Everyone has a match, a mate, a dopple. I love you.
Simon: No, River... mei-mei... of course, I love you too, but we can't be married.
[to Shepherd Book]
Simon: She's really crazy!
Simon: [River kicks Simon in the shin] Ow! Ah, no, I - I don't mean crazy... that's just - you know that's not something brothers and sisters do. I mean, on some planets, but only pretty bad ones.
Mal: You got the right same as anyone to... live and try to kill people.
Mal: [to Inara, as he leaves her shuttle after fighting with her] I wasn't looking for a fight!
[He runs into Jayne, who glares at him as he cocks a very big gun]
Mal: Always do seem to find one, though.
Mal: Who the hell are you?
Saffron: What do you mean?
Mal: Well, I think I was pretty clear. What are you doing on my boat?
Saffron: But, you know, I'm to cleave to you.
Mal: To whubba who?
Saffron: Did Elder Gommen not tell you?
Mal: Tell me what? Who are you?
Saffron: Mr. Reynolds, sir, I'm your wife.
Mal: Could you repeat that please?
Saffron: I am your wife. That was your agreement with Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or livestock enough...
Mal: I-I-I'm sorry. Go back to the part where you're my wife.
Saffron: I don't please you?
Mal: You can't please me. You never met me. Zoë, why do I have a wife?
Kaylee: [comforting Saffron] Oh sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.
Mal: I'm not a monster! Wash, turn the ship around.
Saffron: I'm sorry that I shame you.
Mal: You don't shame me! Zoë, would you get Wash.
Zoë: [Over the PA system] This is Zoë. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: All? I said Wash!
Zoë: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl.
Jayne Cobb: Then can I know her?
Saffron: Five days... we'll be together?
Mal: We'll be together on the ship, but not in any...
Saffron: That'll be fine.
Jayne: [to his gun] See Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.
Saffron: How'd you find me?
Mal: Only a few places that shuttle would make it to from where you left. Happy to find it intact.
Saffron: You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds.
Saffron: I've been waiting a long time for someone good enough to take me down.
Mal: Saffron, you even think about playing me again I will riddle you with holes.
Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts.
Saffron: I thought last night during the ceremony that you were pleased.
Mal: Well, yeah, last night I was. Had some mulled wine, pretty girl gave me a hat made out of a tree. Nobody said I was signing up to have and to hold.
Saffron: We've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh?
Mal: Well, no. Uh, we're still two fleshes here.
Wash: [to Saffron] Well, if it isn't the master chef. Not sleepy?
Saffron: Am I allowed to be up here?
Wash: Sure, why not? Not like anyone else is taking up space.
Saffron: I've never been off-world before.
Wash: [regarding the sky] Beautiful, isn't it?
Saffron: It's like a dream.
Wash: [pointing at the stars] Planet I'm from, couldn't see a one of 'em, pollution so thick. Sometimes I think I entered flight school just to see what the hell everyone was talking about.
Zoë: Clearly, she's out of her mind.
Wash: She's led a sheltered life.
Zoë: Did you see the way she grabbed that glass from you?
Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Baby geese - goslings! They were juggled.
Saffron: [to Mal, who has just finished supper she made for him] If you're done with supper, would you like me to wash your feet?
[Mal, thrown for a loop, just walks away]
Mal: [to Saffron] You got all kinds of learnin' and you made me look the fool without tryin', and yet here I am with a gun to your head. That's 'cause I got people with me.
Mal: Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means.